2011 was a great year for sports (aren’t they all?). So with the new year just around the corner, here are TSB’s New Year’s Resolutions for some of the biggest people/organizations in the world of sports. If you have any suggestions, please comment in the box at the end of the article and we’ll make sure to add them.
Carlos Beltran/Drew Brees – To get the growths/birthmarks removed from their faces, ears, or wherever they may be.
Metta World Peace – To get his name tattooed across his back like Vince Young.
Michael Jordan – To get an actual GM to run his team.
Rex Ryan – To buy a copy of Human Centipede…so he can see what he sounds like.
NHL – To make post-Matt Cain-fastball-to-the-head helmets mandatory, to stop concussions.
ESPN – To get rid of all the dead weight that you employ on Sports Center.
Hannah Storm– To put some f*#king clothes on. You’re going to be 50 this year. You haven’t been hot since the early 90’s. (Tony Kornheiser, TSB has your back. Us Binghamton guys stick together)
New York Knicks – To trade for Ricky Rubio so they can actually play “Ole’ Defense”.
NCAA – To buy a copy of NBC’s “To Catch A Predator” Seasons 1 through 157.
Cris “Cyborg” Santos– To compete in men’s MMA. We’re not huge fans of women’s MMA to begin with (regardless of our Gina Carano wallpaper) but we’ve grown tired of you knocking women out in 12 seconds every single match. It’s time to fight some dudes.
Antonio Cromartie– To get a vasectomy. When you have difficulty remembering the names of your illegitimate children and 4 of them are the same age, it’s time to get rid of your bullets and only shoot blanks.
The Wilpons (Jeff and Fred; New York Mets owners) – To get a Capital One credit card.
Chad Ochocinco– To change his name to Calvin Johnson to have a chance that any fantasy team drafts him next year, albeit by mistake.
Kobe Bryant– To send Tiger Woods a thank you letter. No one gives a shit that he banged more than 5x as many women.
Any professional athlete entertaining the idea of going on a reality tv show – retire first. It’s clear your career is over.
Athletes sending dong pics to their groupies – take your watch off and leave your face out of the picture. The only thing more embarrassing than sending a dick pic to get laid in the first place is having it end up on perez hiltons website.
Deidre Pujols – To get a damn clue. http://espn.go.com/mlb/story/_/id/7346376/albert-pujols-wife-deidre-explains-why-los-angeles-angels-slugger-left-st-louis-cardinals
Matt Kemp – To (not so) politely ask MLB for his MVP trophy. He wasn’t the one using PED’s…that we know of.
Peyton Manning – To politely ask Aaron Rodgers for HIS MVP trophy.
Tim Tebow – To find God, go on a mission, and never come back. For the love of God, we are all sick of you. ALL of us are.
The NFL – To just let it go. TD celebrations are awesome. Who cares if there are cell phones, fax machines, steam rollers, pallet jacks, or sharpies hidden throughout the endzone before the game? If a player scores a touchdown, it’s their time to entertain us. Who doesn’t want to see Tony Schieffler do this?
Eli Manning – For someone to slap that dumb f*$@!*g look off his face after he throws another duck that gets picked off. Enough with the Eli love this year. He was probably the 6h best QB….in the NFC this year.
Urban Meyer – To just cut the shit. This guy is such a weasel. 1st he claims he needs to quit his Florida gig because of his health and family (no coincidence that you went 7-5 after Tebow graduated, then quit.) then takes a huge money deal with ESPN to be an analyst. Wait! The Ohio St. job is open…hmmm. “I don’t have a contract with Ohio State”. Ok bro, it was reported 3 weeks before hand that you signed the deal. By the way, here is his contract .
Sam Hurd – To get a disposable cell phone. You just don’t want to be making a 6-figure coke deal over a Boost Mobile line.
David Stern – To step down and let a real person run the league. Who the hell does he think he is, personally vetoing the CP3 to the Lakers deal?
The NCAA (again) – To realize that you are single handedly killing college sports. Between all these absurd rules infractions that you passively/aggressively enforce to the realignment of conferences for monetary gains. Enough is enough.
Derek Rose – To get a One Touch Meter. Boi better be checkin’ that blood sugar level like 8x per day. All the kid eats is gummi bears. (@HookTSB called the ulcers during the 2008 college basketball season. Gotta give mad props for that one).
Manny Pacquaio and Floyd Mayweather – To grow a pair of balls and stop all the media sparring. Just get in the ring and fight you losers.
Stjarnan FC – To score more goals! This Icelandic soccer team had some of the most absurd celebrations ever seen in the world of soccer. You just have to see this for yourself. Note to NFL….. This is FUNNY! This doesn’t result in a Red Card either!
Brett Favre– To enter a retirement home so there’s no possible way your name comes up again the next time a QB on a contending team goes down with an injury. Also buy a new watch.
MLS– To start advertising how good of a time it is to attend a game rather than trying to pass your JV/retirement league off as legitimate. I basically sat on the field at a Chicago Fire game for 20 bucks and had a blast. Can’t remember the score or 1 single player on either team.
Bryce Harper– Nothing. Keep doing what you’re doing in the minors once you get to the big leagues. Ever since Eastbound and Down came out, we’ve been dying for a real life Kenny Powers. #TEAMSWAG