With more testosterone than the 2001 MLB home run race, Pain and Gain looks like it could be epic.

With more testosterone than the 2001 MLB home run race, Pain and Gain looks like it could be epic.

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I know, I know. I should be writing about the NBA. I should be writing about the New York Knicks, their renaissance, the invasion of the Nets into Brooklyn and the epidemic that has been unleashed on our city/state/area by their makeshift fans. For that, let me lean back and apologize. I’ve been caught up by the wave of the Knicks success but I’ve also been abnormally busy. I will be sure to make some time in the future for my little corner in the TSB community. Let’s get back to the matter at hand though.

Every red-blooded, testosterone infused, American male collectively jizzed in their pants yesterday at the trailer for Michael Bay’s new brainchild.  And as TSB’s resident movie guy, you know that I have to talk my shit again. Look, I am in the camp that feels that Michael Bay should be working on Bad Boys 3, 4, and beyond at the same damn time like Justin Lin is rumored to be doing with the next two The Fast and The Furious films. However, Bay is continuing his trend of creating what seems like terrible ideas on paper and somehow turning them into a reality…..a reality with a lot of good looking people, gunfire, and explosions. What Bay is doing is taking the 80’s action movie formula and bringing it to the 21st century. Some might feel that formula is ludicrous and unrealistic. I don’t know about you guys but sometimes when I go to the movie theater, I want to escape reality and let’s face it. If you’ve seen the news lately, reality sucks. There are fiscal cliffs, kids shooting up schools, unrest in the Middle East, and the Chinese are trying to take over the world. Sir Michael Bay (Yeah, that’s right. I just knighted him. Deal with it.) is telling us “Fuck all of this. Let me take you back to a much simpler and more awesome time.” That time is 1995. I mean, sure, it’s a Michael Bay movie so there has to he ridiculous things in it, right? For instance, check the 1:22 mark of the trailer. You see it, right? Yep, that is The Rock holding a skateboard. Can you imagine this behemoth on a skateboard? Just close your eyes for a minute. Visualize The Rock. Then a skateboard. Now The Rock on a skateboard. Open your eyes. Not working for you, is it? Things like this is what make Michael Bay’s movies special. I mean who else could fuse a body building movie, a heist flick, and a comedy, roll it up and present it all to us?

The most important part of this movie to me is partnering of The Rock with Michael Bay. They were born to do action movies together. When The Rock first started his foray into film, I was excited in a completely platonic way. The Rock is a throwback to the days of Arnold, Sylvester, and Dolph. He completely looks the part of an action movie star and he has the chops to execute one liners in a hilariously, believable way. However, The Rock never fulfilled his potential. Instead, he decided to do Disney movies like The Tooth Fairy and Race to Witch Mountain during the middle of his career. It’s like someone castrated him during the prime of his career. One of the biggest movie trends of the 2000’s was to cast anorexic actors like Tobey Maguire and Matt Damon in action movies. However, after a meaty role in Fast 5, he looks focused and primed to finally take what is his. He has the balls, brawn, and the chops to be the action hero that I thought he could always be.  And now he’s partnered up with Michael Bay. Only good things can come of this. And I intend to be there at a midnight showing on opening night with a huge tub of whey protein, a couple of bottles of HGH, syringes sticking out of my back jean’s pockets, and Victor Conte in tow.

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