This week’s episode of Game of Thrones finally got back to doing what it does best…heads rolling, boobs showing, and zombies! Oh yeah, and Tyrion gets drunk. And Big Momma Tyrell tells jokes. And Melisandre is super weird. And Joff Dogg is still the asshole I hate to love. And Danny is all sassy. Awwwwww, let’s just get on with it.
Episode starts off with The Hound carrying Arya on horseback. Arya’s being super bitchy to the hound and the Hound’s all like “Girrrrl, you don’t know me!” and starts explaining how he tried to save Sansa. He then explains that he’s taking her to her Uncle’s wedding. This is where Arya stops bitching.
We get a lot of Stannis, Davos, and Melisandre in this episode. We learn Melisandre and Stannis plan to sacrifice Gendry in order to strengthen Stannis’ position but he has his doubts. He frees Davos because they are BFFs and allows him to retain his post as his adviser. Meanwhile, Melisandre is trying to sex up Gendry and do this sacrifice thing and the whole time I’m thinking “Damn, doesn’t Gendry know that you can’t ever trust a ginger?” Why? BECAUSE THEY’LL PROBABLY PUT A LEECH ON YOUR PENIS! Seriously, Game of Thrones? Seriously? Last week, you Lorena Bobbit Theon and now you’re throwing leeches on the dick? Can I watch an episode of GoT without having to worry about the safety of OPP. I mean, we get to see her boobs again but AT WHAT COST?!
Meanwhile, across the ocean in another continent, Danny and her advisers are stalking this army that the slave city that they threatened last week just hired to protect them. Pft, Danny’s not impressed. She’s obviously going to change their mind with her seductive intimidation. She meets with the three captains from this crew and one of them is just a downright jerk, the other guy is not as much of a jerk but still a jerk, and the other guy is a Calvin Klein model. The three captains decide they should kill Khaleesi but the Calvin Klein model is like “Oh no, I’m a Calvin Klein model and models don’t kill beautiful people.” He chops off their heads and brings them to Danny. Danny’s obviously impressed because she reveals her glorious nakedness to him before her assistant robes her. This is where I had to pause the DVR and just take a minute to thank the Lord of Light for letting this take place. I swear nothing else was happening. Keep your dirty thoughts to yourself, you pervs. For awhile, I thought “Dag, now that Emilia Clarke is semi famous, there is no way she will show her boobs on GoT ever again.” But the Lord of Light have heard our prayers. I am going to throw leeches on random dudes’ dicks everyday so this can happen every episode. Anyways, the CK model pledges his and his army’s allegiance. Danny accepts this. Somewhere, Jorah is pissed.
Aren’t we all, Tyrion. Aren’t we all. The next story arc revolved around Tyrion and Sansa’s wedding. Normally, you’d think weddings are fun, happy, and joyous occasions but this was no Wedding Crashers. Everyone in this wedding was miserable at one point. Big Momma Tyrell was semi upset but was taking it in stride by cracking jokes at Loras. Loras was pissy because he has to marry Cersei even though he’s gay and his mom was cracking jokes at him. Cersei was all pissy at Margarey. She was also pissy at Loras too when he tried to console her. Hell, now that I think about it, who hasn’t Cersei been pissy with? Tywin is pissy because he’s trying to get Tyrion to bang Sansa so he can have a legitimate grandkid. Tyrion is pissy that he has to marry Sansa and not Osha. Sansa is pissy because she has to marry a dwarf. Everyone is really super pissy. Joff Dog is pissy because he didn’t kill anyone in this episode. In fact, Tyrion is so pissy he threatens to Lorena Bobbit Joff Dog. Why does everyone on GoT want to Lorena Bobbit each other! I’m not trying to Angelina Jolie other women! So Tyrion and Sansa get married but he doesn’t seal the deal because he’s way too honorable. He’s definitely not about that life.
The episode ended with Sam and Gilly. They found a hut that they and the kid could chill out at. It’s evening and all and it’s pretty damn cold. They don’t even have down jackets or parkas or anything. Shit, that hut isn’t even an igloo. Sam can’t make that hot fire so Gilly tells him to cozy up next to him. Now at this point, I’m hoping Sam doesn’t screw this up. He just needs to do his damn thing and not open your mouth! But alas, he opens his mouth and nonsensical stuff about baby names come out. She isn’t having it so she tries to make a fire herself when they hear an army of crows. Sam goes to check it out and when they see a white walker heading in their direction. The walker tosses Sam aside like a rag doll and is about to kidnap the baby when Sam, all of a sudden, decides he’s all Charles Ramsey, takes the dagger he found at the Fist of the First Men and stabs the walker with it. The white walker is not happy with that. It’s like he got stabbed by a Coors light or a Dentyne Ice because he got all iced up and shattered. Sam and Gilly don’t waste their time and high tail it out of there….but neither of them pick up the dagger. Ughhhhhhhhhh.
Overall, this was a pretty good episode. I didn’t have to rack my brain with a million different scenes about other characters and there wasn’t any Theon (THANK GOD). This episode just seemed intent on progressing a couple arcs instead of touching on everyone and making the episode an convoluted mess. A smart idea in my opinion because this episode moved briskly and I didn’t feel like I was at the onset of a migraine by the end of the show. Only two more episodes left and GoT usually finishes strong so buckle your belts.