Oh, hold the hell up. There were no boobs or kills in this episode? Hopefully, this doesn’t last too long but I love me some breasts and death. But hey! At least, they gave us gay and fart jokes! And magic! If there wasn’t a sword fight at the end of the episode, I would’ve sworn that this was an episode of Arrested Development.

The episode was mainly about the Starks and the Lannisters so it’s only fitting that the episode began with the first time the Starks brothers have been together since the two episodes of the series. However, as Biggie famously told all of us, it was all a dream….Bran’s dream, as a matter of fact. We’ve been getting a few clues here and there that Bran’s dreams are somewhat precognitive as well as the ability of seeing things that happen where he’s no where in proximity of these events and even seeing into the past of events he was not a part of either. According to the lone Jon Snow scene of the episode (which I feel was put in as a means to explain a part of Bran’s powers) and Jojen & Meera Reed, Bran has greensight (which means he’s a psychic of some sort) and a warg (meaning he can see things through the eyes of other animals and can communicate with them telepathically). Great! So now Bran is some sort of Miss Cleo and Dr. Doolittle conglomerate that is ready to take over the world. BTW, Meera Reed is such a bad ass, right? Can’t wait to learn more about the Reeds. We’ve only seen them on-screen for 5 minutes but I already want more. Meanwhile Robb Stark is still guilt tripping his mom about the whole Jamie thing. It’s all like “Damn, Robb. There’s a point where you have to stop being a dick.” I guess he might be reaching that point soon because his mom completely fell apart after he told her that her father died and that Winterfell has been burnt to the ground and they can’t find Bran and Rickon. BTW, if they put Rickon in a police lineup, would you be able to identify him? Did you even know there was another Stark son? Every time they show him or mention him, I just think to myself “What? When did this happen?” Anyways, when Robb’s chick is all pressing Big Momma Stark about helping her making some silly rabbit’s foot for her kids, she goes on about this depressing, nonsensical story about how Jon Snow contracted pox but it was because she couldn’t stand him because he was a bastard but she had a change of heart prayed to the gods that if they saved him, she’d treat them like her own son….a promise that she never kept and that’s why the Gods are punishing her family. What a load of crock. Polytheism? Grow the hell up. It’s all about monotheism up in this bitch now and all the cool kids are practicing atheism. Get with the times. Also, why does she have to be such a negative Nancy. Seriously, that whole monologue was pretty upsetting. Meanwhile, Sansa is all scared of EVERYONE. She’s hanging out with the Tyrell chicks…having tea, crumpets and cheese (and daaaaaaaamn, Oleanna’s love for cheese rivals Steve Urkel’s, yo. She went gangster on that servant for not bringing the cheese when she wanted it.) and they ask her about what she thinks about Joffrey. She’s skeptical at first but then she spills the beans about how he’s an asshole. Ughhhh, how you gonna trust chicks that you’ve just met, Sansa!?!? Also, Oleanna drops pretty played out fart joke. Meanwhile, Arya and her two homies get picked up by the Brotherhood with no banner and they are about to get off scott free when they capture the Hound who identifies her as a Stark fugitive. Also, Theon was in Guantonomo Bay. Anyone else here care? Didn’t think so.

Let’s talk about the soap opera that’s the Lannisters though. Cersei and Joffrey are hilarious. You could imagine these two on the Maury Povich show with Cersei being all like “Joffrey, can we talk about how this Margaery ho is just trying to use you? Oh by the way, you were born from incest.” Joffrey was not having that and he was like “Shut up, Mom. I DO WHAT I WANT! Also, you’re just a girl. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” BTW, Joffrey’s misogyny continues to increasingly offensive but unintentionally hilarious….mainly because I feel like the writers want to you laugh at Joffrey. I haven’t read the books but I feel like Joffrey’s end will come at the hand of a woman. Whether it’s Sansa, Margaery, or Cersei herself remains to be seen. But I can’t say Momma Lannister is wrong either. Margaery is straight playing this boy like a fool. Meanwhile, Tyrion is continuing the whole “Woe is Me” act. Dude, I get it. You’re a dwarf, you got a scar on your face, and Dangerfield-ian levels of respect but you have hella cash and a woman that’s willing to give you head 24/7. I know that sounds incredibly superficial but things COULD be worse. Not really feeling the whole Tyrion arc so far which is a shame because he’s been my favorite character over the first two seasons. The episode ends with Jamie grabbing one of Brienne’s swords and trying to fight her on a bridge but she’s not having any of that. I mean, she has Yao Ming height, a Scottie Pippen wing span, Charles Oakley strength, and Conan-ian sword technique. That’s a sick combo, bros. Brienne disarms him pretty easily in a pretty awesome scene but just as she does, Robb Stark’s search party finally finds the both of them. Best part of the episode were the gay jokes that Jamie was dropping on Brienne and Brienne’s former lord, Renly Baratheon, in one of the earlier scenes. This gem in reference to Renly: “It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out of cocks. They would never have gotten him off it.”

Right now, there’s some story building going on and some tension building but not too much in the way of things actually going down. However, with the whole bridge fiasco, it seems like pieces are finally moving along. Not a great episode but this is how Season 2 started as well. Let me leave y’all with some James Brown and Game of Thrones action: