Yeah, I realize the  headline is a mouthful. Blame the person that created the league. He also happens to be the returning champ of the TSB Bragging Rights League, TSB’s very own Hook. You might also notice that someone is missing from this league: Yours truly. Hey, I got personal reasons. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make it happen next year but me not being in it doesn’t make this league any less exciting (I understand that I’m the swaggerest in all of TSB but these guys can bring the fantasy ruckus). With no further ado, let’s do some fantasy football draft analyzing! (Oh god, how sad is this?)

First, let’s get some league settings BS out of the way. This is your typical league in terms of format with one QB, two running backs, three wide receivers, one tight end, a WR/RB flex spot, a kicker, and a team defense. However, there are a couple of wrinkles in terms of points. All touchdowns, even passing touchdowns, are worth 6 points. That means QBs’ values get bumped up a bit. Also, receptions are worth a half a point which bumps up the value of some dudes who catch a lot of passes but not as much as a full point per reception would. Let’s check out how the first three rounds shook out.

rounds 1-3 (2)

The first round goes as expected but there are a few interesting things to poke at. It’s always safe to pick a RB in the first round with 10 of the 12 picks being running backs. Hook’s pick of Arian Foster looks like a loyalty play here. Foster helped win the ring last year so he probably felt some bias toward him but I’m afraid of his granny back. During the preseason, I was afraid he’d make Amar’e’s back look healthy in comparison. He’s also going to have to be heavily invested in picking Ben Tate earlier than he should probably normally go to back himself up. I am a huge fan of Manny’s pick of Marshawn Lynch. I predict he’ll lead the NFL in rushing this year but the half point per catch rule would probably have swayed me to go for Martin, Spiller, Rice, or Charles. I feel the same about Don’s pick of Alfred Morris. There was talk about him being more involved in the passing game this year but last season, he couldn’t even catch the Flu. Murph’s Many Chins’ pick of the Discount Double Check isn’t odd with the 6 points per passing TD wrinkle. In Round 2, WRs start flying off the board. Hyannis YachtRockers go with an interesting approach of two elite WRs in the first two rounds. After picking Megatron in the first round, he goes with Dez Bryant in the second which I’m not sure about. The hype is strong with this one. I think the guy is a dynamic talent but I feel like AJ Green and Brandon Marshall are better bets. David Wilson’s been hotter than Heather Locklear on Melrose Place ever since Andre Brown broke his leg so him being picked in the second round is not THAT surprising. I’m still not sure if he’ll get goal line carries because COUGHLIN DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAMS. Hook’s pick of Drew Brees is sexy given the settings. In the 3rd Round, Earl let’s his homerism show by picking Demarco Murray here with McFadden and Frank Gore on the board. Sure, these two are older and not as sexy as they used to be, kinda like Marisa Tomei, but they still provide good value, like Maria Tomei’s acting career. The best tight end in the game goes here and I don’t mean Nicki Minaj’s. I promise that this is where I’ll stop with the misogyny. Jimmy Graham provides far more value at TE this year than anyone else. I also feel that Cobb (I think he has a good shot at leading the NFL in catches) and Fitzgerald will outproduce where they’ve been picked. I feel Reggie Bush could be the best pick of the first three rounds considering I feel like he could break the records for receptions by a running back and he’ll get the lion’s share of the carries on the ground.

4-6

WRs are taken at a rampant rate in rounds 4-6. It’s like wide receivers are crack and the fantasy managers are fiends. Amendola could be a sneaky good pick if he stays healthy. I hate Ryan Mathews and I want to kick him in the balls for ruining one of my teams each of the past two years. I stayed away from Decker and Welker in all of my leagues unless they were a good value because I have no clue if there are enough ball for everyone in Denver. Gronk is an interesting pick here if Hyannis picks a solid TE for the first 4-6 weeks of the season. I really like Golden Tate and Steve Smith in the 6th round. I’m not completely sure how I feel about the Montee Ball pick here considering that any of the 15 RBs that Denver have on their roster can probably start and be effective. Chris Ivory is AIDS to me. I’m not going anywhere near any Jets player. Stafford could be the steal of all the QBs with all that talent around him. You know you’re in a shit show of a situation when you’re a starting RB and Shane Vereen is picked ahead of you…..half PPR league be damned. BTW, when did Shane Vereen stop tap dancing and starting becoming a passing down running back? I’m impressed with the career change. Completely out of left field.

7-9

I feel like Miles Austin fell far too far. I feel like Dallas’ passing offense is going to be prolific. Russell Wilson is my current man crush. He’s so dreamy. No homo. Ahahahahahahaha at someone other than Hook taking Ben Tate. Oh man, I’m going to go in on him later. Brandon Myers is a nice pick here because Eli usually keeps tight ends incredibly involved in the offense. I really liked the Ingram and LeVeon Bell picks this late in the draft. Vincent Brown is a steal here as he could be a #1 WR. I really like Vick, Cameron (this year’s hyped up sleeper tight end), and Chris Givens in the 9th round. I hope Ben Roethlisberger dies and is reincarnated as a truck stop waitress and gets consistently raped by fat men with handlebar mustaches over the age of 40. Mendenhall is the last of the starting RBs to go (which is pretty solid value) and here comes the gangbang of backup RBs and handcuffs.

10-12

I really like the Woodhead pick here. Extremely shrewd considering he has already proven his worth as a passing down back in New England and given the fact that Philip Rivers loves to check down to the RB. The Finley pick is really good here. The hate on him has gone too far. He has top 5 TE talent even though he has never produced like one. But then again, he could be a rich man’s Jared Cook. The Moreno pick is solid here considering he could be getting a solid amount of work. Shame on Don for taking Gostkowski anywhere before the last two rounds. If Cruz or Nicks goes down with an injury, Ruben Randle could be the next big thing. It may be just me but I’d rather have Eli Manning and Joe Flacco 2-3 rounds later than have Ben Roethlisberger’s rapey, “I only play QB 12 games a year” ass. Zach Sudfeld looks like he’s going to try to fill Gronk’s shoes until he comes back and when he does, he’ll try to fill the shoes of a serial killing dusthead. I’m a fan. I’m a huge fan of Christine Michael even though I’m a huge Beast Mode fan and he has the name of a Calvin Klein model. The guy has future fantasy stud written all over him.

13-15

I like Palmer as a nice sleeper QB but he’s no better than a backup QB. Antonio Gates’ gimp ass is picked here. Man, these rounds always suck. Just a bunch of kickers, defenses, and backup Tight Ends that people want to take flyers on….hoping that one of them will pan out and turn into the next Jimmy Graham.

Team Summaries:

Carlos Danger: My man is running with All Day so he’ll be in contention all year. He has solid QBs in Palmer and Ryan and his receiving core is strong too. If Hakeem Nicks comes back strong and either Lacy or Ivory (LOL yeah right) pan out, he could be a contender. Love the fact that he hooked up his QB (Matt Ryan) with his WR (Julio Jones). That’s 12 points for every TD that Julio Jones catches. Money.

Reigning Champ Hook: Hard to criticize the reigning champ…especially since he’s got a pretty strong stable of RBs and great QBs. However, his WRs have question marks to me. Will Welker come close to 90 catches this year? Is Torrey Smith going to catch enough balls to warrant being taken in the 4th round? Will Mike Williams every change his name so I don’t keep confusing him with the other Mike Williams? ALSO, HOW DO YOU NOT HANDCUFF BEN TATE?!?! If Arian Foster goes down, Ben Tate automatically becomes a top 10 RB in fantasy football. How do you not back yourself up? You’d rather take a bunch of question marks at WR instead of backing up your biggest investment who had injury concerns in the preseason? You could have taken those question marks at WR too. Of course, I could be wrong and I could be eating crow at the end of the season.

Eli Manning’s Tongue: After making two stellar picks in the first two rounds, he picked two RBs with serious question marks. He’s banking heavily that Andrew Luck takes a big step forward (I think he does). He also made several good value picks at WR. As much as I hate Earl for insulting the god, his team name is hilarious. Eli’s going to win Grammys to go with his Super Bowl rings though. Don’t hate.

Mex-I-Can: Second worst team name in the league. Mex-u-can’t have that name in this league. C’mon, b. We’ve all seen that before. How about something like Mex Luger or Tyrannosaurus Mex. You’re a blogger on TSB! Not on bleacher sports! Have some pride! I’m not feeling how your RBs are looking after Beast Mode, gawd. Relying on Neo Gio and DeAngelo (who hasn’t done anything since he got half naked in the “untitled” music video”) isn’t exactly a good look for your #2 RB and flex spot. Your top 3 picks and RGIII will carry you and Chris Givens was one of the best picks of the draft. With only 4 RBs on your roster though, you might need to look for one more dude on the waiver wire.

Andrew’s Team: Damn. Part of the fun of fantasy football is coming up with a great team name. Really? Let me help you out: Pierre it out, Peyton in Full, Cut me some Flacco, White on Rice. ANYTHING. Fortunately, you have some low key great receivers and Peyton if he doesn’t break his neck like a Busta Rhymes track. Also, loving the QB/WR combo you have here with Peyton and Demaryius. You’re going to be leaning on Ray Rice heavy because I trust McFadden as much as I trust Corey Feldman to throw an orgy party without cocaine. Also, Law Firm looks like he’s in a time share. Also, your TE sounds like he should be leading leading Santa’s sleigh instead of all TEs in touchdowns. I don’t trust TEs who don’t catch a lot of balls but catch a lot of TDs. Doesn’t seem repeatable.

Matt’s Majestic Team: This league has the worst names of all time. I feel like none of you guys are trying. This is depressing. I’m giving up on you lot. Walter White Jr. comes up with better names than you guys. That being said, Matt’s team is stacked. I like his WRs and his core of RBs is ridiculously strong. I think Stafford is going to have a monster year. I feel like this is my favorite team in the league thus far.

Dan’s Dazzling Team: I give up. This guy’s team name comes with glitter and flare and rainbow buttons and if he wins the championship, his banner will be pink. I can’t even look Dan in the eye right now. I like this team slightly less than Matt’s team but they have equally terrible names. I like the gameplan he used with having two stud RBs and most of his backup RBs being passing down guys. Clever girl. Also, the top 3 WRs are strong and he has a good sleeper TE in Sudfeld. I’m not a huge fan of the Eli/Alex Smith combo at QB but I’m guessing that he’s going to platoon these guys.

Direct From The Cave: I don’t know what his team name even means but he gets points for confusing me at least. This guy was like “What’s a running back?” after picking Lesean McCoy. He didn’t even look at one again until Rashad Mendenhall in round 8. His top 3 WRs are strong as hell and when you team them up with Kapernick (high upside) and McCoy, it’s a damn good start. Fred Davis is a nice sleeper TE. As you can see, I like a lot of the later TEs.

Dons Team: I don’t like your team name and I don’t like your team. I like Brady and I’m feeling Vernon Davis and Alfred Morris is cool but the WRs could use some help, bruh. Matt Forte is solid because he catches the rock but his ground game has been meh since his rookie year. Way to back yourself up with Michael Bush and the Ryan Torain pick could be sneaky good if he happens to vulture some goal line touches from David Wilson.

Hyannis YachtRockers: This name is on some shit. Props. Also, I’m kinda in love with this team. At first, I was like why is he picking WRs in the first two rounds but you got some nice values at RB later in the draft in Gore, Darryl Richardson, and Leveon Bell. I feel like you could have gotten a better WR than Colston in the 4th but as your third WR, you could do much worse. I want Russell Wilson to have my babies. Dude is awesome. Hopefully, he doesn’t get hurt because you have no backup QB and I feel like NFL teams are gearing up for the read option QBs after a whole offseason of trying to figure it out by Seattle has a top 3 offensive line so I wouldn’t be too worried about that. Plus, Russell Wilson has an aura that protects him from malicious hits.

Philthy Animals: Phil did not let me down. Home alone reference and a play off his name. The fantasy gods will treat you well. I like your RBs a lot and Cam Newton is going to blow the hell up this year. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut your WRs after Roddy White are softer than Richard Simmons in a down jacket chilling on a Serta posturpedic bed. Also, you have Rapelisberger. All the good will you got from the fantasy gods will be negated by drafting Rapelisberger.

Murphs Many Chins: It’s a better name than Andrew’s team. Aaron Rodgers = stud. Got two really good RBs and a whole bunch of WRs that you can slide in and out depending on the matchup. Brandon Myers is going to be solid but Antonio Gates might as well be dead to me. Like his feet might as well have the same MRI as Bruce Wayne’s in the Dark Knight Rises. He needs serious Hobbit foot transplant surgery or start a kickstarter to find bigfoot or a sasquatch.

League Summary:

I think Matt’s Majestic Team and Hyannis YachtRockers have the teams to beat. I feel like they have the best teams on paper but games aren’t won on paper. That’s why Don’s team has a chance even though I think it’s a hefty bag of semi decent talent. But realistically, everyone has a shot because Fantasy Football leagues aren’t won in the draft but on the waiver wire. Good luck, gentlemen and Allah speed.