Yesterday, Lebron unveiled a track on the internets that caused my ears to bleed. It was, one would say, a cover of Jay-Z’s “Fuckwithmeyouknowigotit” and my first response to it before listening to it was “Oh, just in time because I’m in a terrible mood” and it definitely brought much laughter to my day. I feel like this song deserves the Baggydizzle treatment so let’s break it down. 

First, you guys really need to listen to this but only if you need a good laugh:

Okay, let’s start with the chorus:

“Roll with us cause you know we got it
Roll with us cause you know we got it
It’s a damn shame that you ever doubted
Come roll with us cause you know we got it
Roll with us cause you know we got it
Roll with us cause you know we got it
It’s a damn shame that you ever doubted
It’s a damn shame that you ever doubted”

Clearly, Lebron is an advocate for bandwagoning. Probably because Lebron himself does not believe in loyalty and honor. Also, It’s cute that he replaces the “F*ck with me, you know we got it” with “roll with us cause you know we got it”. Someone needs to remind him that Darth David Stern is no longer in charge of the NBA and Adam Silver is now his yes man. He doesn’t need to censor himself anymore. Imagine if MJ was given this opportunity? A world without Stern’s iron fist? MJ would have dropped diss tracks on John Starks and Craig Ehlo laced with so many new profanities that would not be able to update fast enough for the new terms he’d be creating.

I just docked in South of France, killa
Shine so bright I got a tan, killa

Obviously, Lebron’s on a boat because he’s rich and wants to rub it in our faces. Cool, bro. I have a problem with the next line though. How can you be the the source of the shine and give yourself a tan at the same damn time? Clearly, Lebron’s confused because of his lack of a college education. Even though Lebron has a lot of money as evidenced by having a boat that he’s docking in the south of France, he has not hired someone (preferably someone with a college education) that will proofread his lyrics before he spits them on the microphone. For shame, Lebron. For shame.

Try to catch up, it’s a waste of time
I grind too hard, let you take mine, never
AP watch drops next month
60 racks on your wrist to stunt

He is telling you that no matter what you do, you will never be as good as him so don’t even try. In fact, just sit on your ass and do nothing. Just rot because only one person is allowed to be as successful as him and it’s him. He’s not exactly the best motivational speaker, is he? Oh, hold up. He’s not done talking about how successful he is. He collaborated with Audemars Piguet on a watch that costs 60 grand for you to wear. But you can’t buy it because he wants you to sit on your ass and not be as successful as him. DAMMIT, LEBRON! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

Fall back before you fall out
My team eatin’, the rest of y’all drought

If the first line is about posterization then I gotta give Lebron props. That’s a pretty cool visualization of him telling someone to lean back or he’ll dunk on them so hard that they’ll become fallout. The next line sucks though.

Say what you want about the king
Got money, got cribs, got whips, and oh yeah nigga, got two rings!

Here is a list of active athletes that Lebron can talk shit about but they shouldn’t care because they also have money, cribs, whips but also have MORE THAN TWO RINGS: Tony Parker (who also has a horrible rap song to his name), Obi Wan Ginobilli, Tim Duncan, Kobe Bryant (what is it with basketball players making terrible rap songs? Kobe has a horrid song with Tyra Banks), Dwyane Wade, Tom Brady, and Derek Jeter. They don’t care about what you have to say about them. In fact, follow your own advice by sitting on your hands and stop trying. In fact, you can rock your two rings and Audemars Piguet watch but Jetes still stunts on you:

Also, that “2 rings” echo is corny, dog. Chill.

Crib sit, tall like, Costcos
Gotta keep gettin’ that Robert, Deniro, don’t fear, yo

Do I need a membership card to shop at Lebron’s? I wonder if they have AP watches on the cheap? I’m also in the market for a boat. I know, I know. He’s talking about how his house is Manute Bol tall. But imagine if Lebron opened up a luxury warehouse club? How ridiculous would that be. I realize it makes no sense. Just stop arguing. Also, I’m not sure if it was by accident or not but props to Lebron if he made a Cape Fear reference. I’m going to assume it was an accident.

It’s royalty, you can’t beat me, you better join me or it’s 6 feet
Where my crown, Si?

Stop. Rapping. Forever. Holy shit. I know you feel like just because you’re Jay-Z’s boy you’re allowed to cover one of the rare songs on “Magna Carta Holy Grail” that was actually good but just stop. Stick to your day job. Leave rap alone, the game needs you.

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