My eyelids are getting heavy…

Behold, a blow by blow breakdown of a typical Terry Collins post game interview.  Warning: This is merely a parody no matter how close to the truth it may seem.

Reporter: Terry, why did you take out your starter?

Collins: It was hot out there…or cold, depending on the weather. Either way I made the decision based on a drawing I wrote on the back of my notebook.

Reporter: What’s wrong with the offense?

Collins:  I mean, these guys are tired. Have you ever lifting one of these bats? They’re very heavy.

Reporter: Why did you keep one of your best offensive players on the bench with the game on the line in the ninth inning?

Collins:  Honestly, I didn’t notice him sitting on the bench. He must have been sitting all the way at the end.  If he wants to be used as a pinch hitter in that situation he should sit closer to me.  Either way, the guy who did pinch hit was due.

Reporter: How come the team keeps losing on the road?

Collins: Again, these guys are tired. I mean two plane trips in one week? Have you seen how much luggage these guys take with them? You’re lucky more players aren’t injured.

Reporter: What are your expectations for Murphy when he comes off the DL?

Collins: Well I expect him to give us a jolt for about two games and then after he goes hitless over the course of six at bats I will begin to platoon him with a player who has no business getting regular playing time in the major leagues.

Reporter: How did you feel about the overall effort the team gave tonight?

Collins: Oh golly, I mean those guys tried their darndest tonight. Sure we lost but I was really glad to be out of the house.

Reporter: Will Familia be available tomorrow?

Collins: Depends on how much sleep he gets.

Reporter: Will Parnell be available tomorrow?

Collins: Who?

Reporter: Do you think losing the first game of a series sets a bad tone?

Collins: Zzzzzzzz. 

Voice of Sandy Alderson: This interview is over!

*Curtain drops* 

We’re tired of Terry Collins. Time to go.

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