I’m a little late to this party, plus I saw the film last week but I feel a review is necessary. I wasn’t really a fan of any of the first “Jurassic Park” movies. I suppose the first one is OK, helped by the fact that the greatest actor of all time Jeff Goldblum (See above) is in it. Now we come to this movie which seems to live by the notion of “Hey, remember that terrible idea we had one time? Well let’s do it again but even bigger!”. This movie also should have been called “Increasingly Bad Decisions By Corporate America”.
**Sort Of Spoilers Ahead**
On to the actual movie. First off, it’s never a good thing when you can accurately predict which characters will die five seconds after they’re introduced into the film. Second, the films main characters all fit a generic action movie type. We have the hero/attractive guy (Chris Pratt). The know it all woman who occasionally doubles as a damsel in distress (Bryce Dallas Howard), the annoying kids who at the beginning of the film hate each other but predictably bond over surviving multiple dinosaur attacks. And then there’s the villain played by Vincent D’Onofrio, a brilliant actor who is wasted as an awful character with an incredibly dumb evil scheme that no one should take seriously.
So the plot of this film isn’t so terrible. Things are getting boring at “Jurassic World” because you know, seeing extinct animals brought back to life loses it’s pop after a while. So the braintrust, Bryce Dallas Howard and the owner (I think) a flamboyant rich guy who thinks he can fly a helicopter have decided to make a genetically modified dinosaur! After the dinosaur seems to be an unfriendly douchebag (Shocking), a concerned Bryce Dallas Howard goes to her ex-boyfriend (Pratt) whose job seems to be to “Raptor Wrangler” for advice. After he goes to see the GMO dinosaur, it trolls everyone into thinking it escaped which leads to it actually escaping and terrorizing the park. Several attempts to capture the GMOsaur are made and they all end in hilarious fashion; with multiple dead bodies, and a bunch of flying dinosaurs being freed to terrorize the park goers. In the middle of all of this Bryce Dallas Howard’s nephews have to come to visit her but she’s too consumed with the GMOsaur’s feelings being hurt to give a crap about them. But she does give them free passes and a British liaison so they’ll be fine! There’s also some random subplot that involves Bryce’s sister, played by Judy Greer crying a lot on the phone and her marriage falling apart and somehow Bryce ignoring her nephews is the last straw. The kids have a blast though. The young one seems to be a rain man in training and the older one spends his time awkwardly staring at girls until they stare back and then…nothing happens. Shit gets crazy when the GMOsaur attacks them while they’re on the most convenient ride to be on when a dinosaur attacks, the gyrosphere! They escape and join up with Chris Pratt and and Bryce Dallas Howard who are slowly getting more and more turned on by one another after each horrifying plot twist. After failing to subdue the GMOsaur, Vincent D’Onofrio’s awful character takes control of the situation and sends the raptors out to kill it. They predictably turn on the humans after what seems like a four second conversation in dinosaur speak and a whole bunch more people die.
At the end, the GMOsaur is finally beaten but the park is ruined. Also thousands of innocent civilians are left injured or killed so I hope they at least get some free passes. On the bright side the two kids have bonded and Chris Pratt is going to be getting some hot Bryce Dallas Howard action. Hopefully she keeps her shoes on because I don’t want to imagine how many blisters she has after running around all day in high heels. Bring some flats girl! Long story short, there were some entertaining action scenes, nice nods to the original “Jurassic Park” and Chris Pratt is mostly enjoyable. But outside of that I didn’t care about anything that was going on and most of the characters were pretty unlikeable and downright offensive as human beings. I mostly guessed how the plot was going to unfold long before seeing the movie and it’s always refreshing to know the entire plot going in. Spoiler alert: it’s not.
It probably wasn’t as terrible as I’m making it out to be but I’m a bitter asshole whose been hardened by lots of bad movies. Choose wisely moviegoers!