Oh shit, this movie could have been awful.

Batman reading the reviews of this movie.

Holy crap guys, I went to see “Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice” last night.  I think the title needs a few more words because I don’t think it’s quite clear what this movie is about.  I really looked forward to hating this movie and based on everything I had read, it had sounded like this might be the last comic book movie that DC Comics ever made. But, despite it’s best efforts I actually enjoyed a good portion of this film. To be fair, when you make a two and a half hour movie you can fill it with lots of awful crap and still have it be somewhat enjoyable.

(A fair amount of spoilers ahead)

The movie opens with Batman’s origin story, in case no one was familiar with that. About two minutes and forty-five seconds in there is an image that should make every moviegoer laugh for the wrong reasons.  The way this movie starts it’s basically Zack Snyder saying “Hey, remember the last movie that was about Superman? Well fuck that guy and his whole universe, now we’re going to focus on all these other characters!”  And it’s true, I feel like Superman doesn’t show up until about fifteen minutes in. And when he does show up, it’s in a completely out-of-context scene that ends in hilarious fashion. (Spoiler: He grabs a terrorist and smashes him through a wall, probably killing him or at least crippling him). Now, the plot? There isn’t one. I’m kidding, it’s confusing as hell at first because we’re too busy being introduced to all seventeen new characters and checking in on Bruce Wayne’s bizarre dream sequences because apparently he’s the Tony Soprano of superheroes.  It’s eighteen months after “Man Of Steel” ended which means we have skipped over the early part of Superman’s career so he’s already dating Lois Lane who spends most of her free time worrying about Clark/Superman while sitting in a bathtub. Oh yeah Superman’s alter ego Clark Kent? Why even bother having an alter ego when he only shows up to work like twice a week and never finishes his assignments. Good thing no one reads newspapers anymore otherwise he’d be fired.  Clark and Bruce meet at an art gallery party that is thrown by a pre-pubescent Lex Luthor (Played tragically by Jesse Eisenberg).  This was an unfortunate bit of casting however they write him in a way that the casting makes sense?  One scene in particular shows Lex attempting to make a speech to some high society types and he clearly has no idea what he’s doing and everyone just gets uncomfortable. That works in a weird way, I can’t explain it.  Anyway at that same party Bruce Wayne meets Diana Prince (a.k.a Wonder Woman) and he macks it hard to her but she’s like “Nah, chill. I’m immortal.” So Bruce runs home to have more apocalyptic dreams. Meanwhile Lex Luthor starts to put in motion a plot to destroy Superman. Why? No reason needed, I think he just hates how much press he’s getting.  To this end he blows up some people (Including his assistant?) causing Superman to doubt himself and causing Batman to realize that it’s finally time to take Superman down (18 months after he leveled downtown Metropolis and killed/crippled a bunch of Wayne Enterprises employees).   So a Rocky style training montage and kidnapped Ma Kent later, Batman and Superman face off because that’s what Lex Luthor wants no matter how little sense it makes. The fight between Batman and Superman is pretty damn good but then ends in unbelievably stupid fashion when Superman starts babbling about Martha (his mother) and somehow Lois Lane who has acquired super-hearing from having sex with Superman runs in and tells Batman that Martha is his mother’s name. Martha was also the name of Bruce’s mother and he made a solemn vow that no more Martha’s would die as long as he was alive or something, I don’t remember at this point. What movie is this?  So Batman saves Superman’s mother in one of the better scenes of the movie and then Superman goes after Lex Luthor but oh wait, Lex had a weird conversation with a Kyrptonian ship and apparently if you say a bunch of random things the ship will make you your very own indestructible rock creature.  Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman team up to fight the rock creature (Doomsday for you comic fans) conveniently in an abandoned part of the city and eventually beat it. Yay! Side note, Bruce Wayne should use his vast fortune to buy abandoned urban land so him and his superhero friends can fight future super villains and not worry about collateral damage.  Doomsday does throw Superman into a seemingly occupied building, which collapses and probably kills hundreds of people in the process but hey, shit happens.


We're going to build our dream house here Lois.

We’re going to build our dream house here Lois.

That might have been the longest paragraph I’ve ever written in a review but that’s what you get Zack Snyder, I also wrote some of it in slow motion!  Again, this movie had the potential to be really really awful and it wasn’t. Was it good? I won’t go there. But it was better than I expected though to be fair the comic-book geek in me appreciated a lot of the references to classic stories such as “The Dark Knight Returns” and another story that I can’t mention because it will give away a major plot point.  Am I excited for a Justice League movie? No, because all of those characters that made cameos looked annoying. How are they videotaping Aquaman underwater? Wonder Woman is awesome and I expect a really good solo movie from her but a solo Ben Affleck Batman movie? Only if it’s him beating Jared Leto’s Joker to death for ninety minutes. Affleck was a confusing but decent Batman but when he was Bruce Wayne all I could see was Affleck trying hard not to sound like he’s from Boston.  It might have worked better if he spent the entire movie dressed as Batman but still insisted that people call him Bruce when he was out in public.  Henry Cavill delivers another cardboard performance as Superman and Amy Adams once again plays a redheaded reporter who claims to be Lois Lane. My final opinion, if you watch this movie with the sound off it might be a 10/10 but that’s no way to live.  It’s worth seeing in theaters, go with friends and get ready to laugh.  It’s fun in a terrible kind of way.

My Rating: 6/10

1 part General Zod, 1 part Lex Luthor blood, 1 part cake batter.

1 part General Zod, 1 part Lex Luthor blood, 1 part cake batter.


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