Breaking Bad “Granite State” recap: America’s Funniest Home Videos

After the last two episodes of Breaking Bad left us close to a state of cardiac arrest, “Granite State” felt more like the eye of the storm before “Felina” causes the general TV public to shit it’s pants and board up their windows. What you have here are the three main characters either in an actual cage or a cage of their own invention. Also, Nazis are running around, causing havoc, and sometimes even dressing like ninjas. We’ll start talking about these cells that Walter, Jesse, and Skyler find themselves in as well as the ramifications of Ninja Nazis after the break. 

Jesse can’t seem to catch any breaks…ever. He’s almost merced at the beginning of the episode for snitching on Todd killing Drew Sharp but because Todd’s in love with Lydia….no. During the day, he’s cooking some blue for Todd and during the evening, he’s curled up in the fetal position and crying in a below ground cage. Jesse tries to escape at one point and almost succeeds but we all know Jesse’s luck. Nazi’s take him on a joyride to Andrea’s house where Todd toasts her while he watches. Daaaaaaaamn, Todd is cold as ice. Jesse is a real punching bag on this show. The amount of shit Vince Gilligan puts him through, you’d think the show was Guantonomo Bay. I’m ready to give Jesse his honorary Muslim badge.

Meanwhile, Skyler and Walt Jr. do not have it easy. Walt Jr suffers from being an emo prick that cries because his dad killed his uncle and can’t seem to be grateful for being the heir to 11 million dollars. LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH THO. Really? I’m shedding a tear for you, man. Try being Jesse for a moment. Oh wait, don’t. If anyone can outdo Jesse at being an emo prick, it’s Flynn. Being Skyler really sucks though. The DEA is on that ass like dudes at an Atlanta strip club. She changes her last name back to her maiden name and works as a taxi dispatcher. She’s pretty much ducking the media and all sorts of other unwanted attention. Ahhhhh, the jail that is being infamous.

Walter has gone completely batshit. While he’s bunking with Saul in Ed (played by the magnificent Robert Forster) the eraser’s basement, he’s still trying to figure out a way to hit up the Nazis. Saul’s thinking the same thing we are. “Yo, bro. It’s a wrap. Call it quits.” Ed drives Walt to New Hampshire at a cabin in a forest where Walt will live the rest of his life as Jack Lambert. I don’t know how long flies by when Walt suffers from cabin fever and finds a bar where he watches Gretchen and Elliot on Charlie Rose throw dirt on his name. Oh man. Walt’s about to go full Heisenberg on these fools.

But how about those Nazi ninjas providing a menacing presence throughout the episode? At the beginning of the episode, the DEA is trying to drive Marie back to her home but as soon as they see papers flying around in the wind and the front door busted open at the Schrader residence, they decide to scope everything out. However, Nazi Ninjas move in silence like mimes. They were in and out and found Jesse’s confession video and probably took other evidence as well. We all know what happened with Todd earning extra Nazi Ninja stripes by murdering Andrea. However, one of the best scenes of the whole episode was when Skyler is home and goes to check on Holly only to see a group of Nazi Ninjas just chilling and staring at the baby very creepily. Then Nazi Ninja Todd talks to Skyler all creepy like about how she shouldn’t talk about Lydia (because he looooooooves her) to which Skyler obliges. Ninja Nazis were everywhere in this episode. I could have sworn I saw Todd’s creepy face peering through Walt’s window at the cabin. They were a dark cloud looming throughout the whole episode.

So what happens in the next episode, titled “Felina”? Walt obviously has nothing to live for anymore. He has a barrel full of cash but with no way to spend it on himself and no way to send it to his family without alerting the feds. It’s not like his family would probably accept it anyways. We all know he goes back with a machine gun and a vial of ricin. The obvious thing here is that he tries to wage an assault on the Nazi Ninjas, “Hit Em Up” style like ‘Pac and he’s probably successful because he’s Heisenberg, he’s a mastermind and he’s done it before. However, I feel like he will attempt to give Elliot and Gretchen a piece of his mind….and probably a piece of his machine gun as well. I still feel like everyone dies but at this point, I’m not sure it matters. Everyone’s life is significantly worse than how it started.

Random notes:

-LOL @ Uncle Jack quoting Woody Allen when talking about Todd and Lydia. “The heart wants what it wants.”

– Props to Breaking Bad winning Best Drama at the Emmys and Anna Gunn winning Best Actress:

-LOL look at Louis CK’s reaction to Breaking Bad winning everything while Bryan Cranston has his back turned to us with his arms akimbo like “All in a day’s work”:

-Here is the New Yorker’s new cover for next week. Pretty funky:

-Breaking Bad comics for the win:

-I almost lost my shit this morning when I saw a Todd/Breaking bad version of “thingsboysdowelove”. If you don’t know what they are, consider yourself lucky. They are really stupid, annoying, and corny and have spawned off parodies everywhere on the internet. Anyways, here are the Todd “thingsboysdowelove”:

-Do you have any thoughts on this week’s episode or predictions for next week’s finale? Spit your game and talk your shit in the comments section.