Whaddya know? My first week above the .500 mark. I know an 8-6 week 5 is nothing to brag about, but when you’ve had to go to the depths of picking which team’s jersey has the best colors, it’s an accomplishment. With the 8-6 Week 5, My record creeps up to 27-33, and my dismal Best Bets fell to 1-3 with Houston not showing up against the Giants. This week, the analysis of my picks will be as short as Snookie, and as blunt as The Situation in a Miami night club at 3am when he’s not finding any chicks who are DTF.
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1 PM EASTERN
Chargers (-8.5) @ Rams
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Rivers is gonna throw it 40 times, Ryan Matthews Fantasy Owners are going to continue to kick themselves in their own asses, and Danny Ammendola will have 16 targets and 6 catches. Easy cover here. PICK: CHARGERS RESULT: LOSS
Chiefs @ Texans (-4.5)
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Houston is playing like crap right now. Jamaal Charles should be a top 8 fantasy back, and this week he’ll prove why. Charlie Weiss needs to get the Double Quarter Pounder out of his mouth and just scream into the headset to GIVE IT TO CHAAAAARLES!!!!. With a gimpy Andre 3k, This offense just isn’t the same, and for the 2nd straight week the Texans will be facing a good run defense (Sorry Arian Foster owners). PICK: CHIEFS RESULT: WIN
Ravens @ Patriots (-2.5)
Remember when the Patriots had that swagger? Remember when they would lick their chops at a game like this? Well, they traded Randy Moss last week, and then traded for Deion Branch. WHAT??? No, Seriously. They traded Moss of a 3rd rd pick, then traded a 4th to get Branch. I can’t make this up. So Mr. Brady….Beiber called you out in a “rap” this week for stealing his haircut. That’s right, a 16 yr old who’s got more makeup on than JWOWW going to the club. I can’t imagine what Ray Lewis is going to be yelling at you when he’s gonna blitz the A gap. This is going to be a rude awaking to Patriots Nation. PICK: RAVENS RESULT: LOSS
Saints (-4.5) @ Bucs
Here’s how I see it shaping up. The Saints team charter plane arrives in Tampa around 6pm Saturday night. Players get all checked in, have dinner, and are ready to have a good time around 12. Brees and Sean Peyton roll into Mons Venus around 1:30am. Leave around 4am. Brees gets to the stadium around 10am, and can’t stop telling everyone how he touched boobies for the first time, and that it only cost him $1k. Gametime rolls around, and he’s still got perma-grin on his face. By 4pm, he’s gone 19-34 220 yds 1 TD 2 INT’s, killed the 8290473890457 fantasy teams that drafted him in the 1st round, and the Saints lose 17-14 on a 57 yd game winning FG. PICK: BUCS RESULT: LOSS
Falcons @ Eagles (-2.5)
Vick won’t be starting, so the Eagles won’t be winning. The Falcons just seem to have “it” this year. They’re pulling out close games, and making big plays when it counts. Kevin Kolb stinks. Plain and simple. This guy was handed the starting Job with the McNabb trade, and even in pre-season he was terrible. A healthy Michael Vick is the only QB that gives them a chance to win. Once he gets all of his internal organs back into place, the Eagles will start winning again. But not this week. PICK: FALCONS RESULT: LOSS
Lions @ Giants (-10)
Which Giants team will show up this week? They either dominate the defensive side of the ball and destroy the opposing QB, or they go out there and play undisciplined, sloppy football. This week, they’ll dominate. TSB’s Best Bet of the week is laying the wood with the G-Men. Calvin Johnson is a gametime decision for the Lions, and even though Sean Hill has put up some fantasy numbers, he makes a ton of mistakes. I like the Giants to cause a bunch of turnovers in this one. BEST BET: GIANTS RESULT: LOSS
Seahawks @ Bears (-6)
Jay Cutler’s scrambled brains seem to be back in semi-functional order this week to play a terrible Seahawks team. But hey, Marshawn Lynch is our savior! I mean, who wouldn’t want to have a dude who has a permanent gold grill, carrying the rock 25x per game? Oh wait…Pete Carroll doesn’t give the ball to playmakers….he gives it to MATT HASSELBECK!!! That’s why the Bears win this game. Making Hasselbeck be Hasselbeck. At least 1 defensive/special teams score for the Bears today. PICK: BEARS RESULT: LOSS
Dolphins @ Green Bay (-3)
Aaron Rodgers was questionable all week with a displaced brain, but it looks like he’s gonna be in there. But he’s about the only player who’s good for Green Bay who will. Jermichael Finley is out for the season and Clay Matthews is questionable with a hamstring. The Dolphins on the other hand are fresh off a bye. Ronnie Brown and Pretty Rickey will have a field day against this depleted packers D. The Pack will have a fishy smell on their fingers after this one…. PICK: DOLPHINS RESULT: WIN
Steamers @ Rapists (-14)
Congrats Colt McCoy, here’s your first start int he NFL. Now bend over and let Jerome Harrison and Side Show Bob have their way with you. This is going to be an ugly one. And we’re not talking about Roethlisberger’s latest victim. As Big Ben would say about this one…”Lay the Wood!!!” PICK: STEELERS RESULT: WIN
4pm EASTERN
Jets (-3) @ Broncos
Revis Island is questionable and I don’t really think he’s going to play anyway. Either way, this is a classic loss for the Jets. Coming off an emotional win, in the terrible weather, super late Monday night, and having the cross country flight into the thin air, I think this is going to spell a loss. Kyle Orton is gonna throw the ball till his arm falls off. Sure there will be some interceptions thrown, be he’ll still get his 350-400 yds in the air. Broncos by a FG. PICK: BRONCOS RESULT: LOSS
Raiders @ 49ers (-7)
This is just stupid. WHY ARE THE 49ERS FAVORED?!?!?!?!?!? Just bet everything you can on the Raiders. Then after that, bet someone else’s money on the money line. At no point should an 0-5 team EVER be favored by a touchdown. EVER. PICK: RAIDERS RESULT: LOSS
Cowboys @ Vikings (-1.5)
Randy Moss owns the Cowboys. The Vikings D-Line owns the Cowboys O-Line. The only way Dallas wins this game is if DeMarcus Ware chops off the right arm of Brett Favre (which he actually might do). This is too easy. Nice knowing ya Cowboys. See ya playoffs. PICK: VIKINGS RESULT: WIN
SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Colts (-3) @ Redskins
DO NOT BET AGAINST PEYTON MANNING ON A NATIONALLY TELEVISED NIGHT GAME. JUST DON’T DO IT!!! PICK: COLTS RESULT: PUSH
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Titans (-3) @ Jags
2 of the best running backs in the NFL square off in this game. Other than that, this game doesn’t interest me one bit. 2 bad QB’s (I don’t wanna here how awesome Vince Young was 5 yrs ago in the Rose Bowl), and a bunch of bad attitudes all around. If Mark Brunell and Steve McNair (we know that’s not happening) come out of the tunnel and get under center, let me know. PICK: TITANS RESULT: WIN
