What if the US Men’s National Team were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I Give You, the USMNTMNT

As a soccer player and avid US Soccer fan, I’m embarrassed to admit that the very first time I saw the US Men’s National Team referred to as the “USMNT”, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles popped into my head before our National soccer squad.  You gotta admit, though, that USMNT and TMNT are very similar acronyms, but I should know better regardless.

Playing off my article a few months back about what professional athletes best personify Marvel’s The Avengers, I thought it’d be fun to compare the members of the USMNT to the TMNT.  I give you, the US Men’s National Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (USMNTMNT):

Master Splinter/Jurgen Klinsmann aka Master Klinsmann

So wise, so knowledgeable.  The manager of the USMNT personifies Master Splinter so perfectly.  Like Master Splinter passed on his knowledge of the martial arts to the turtles, Jurgen Klinsmann implemented strategies that has led the USMNT to a historic 12 game winning streak.  If only Jurgen would make a funny at the end of every game…

Leonardo/Michael Bradley aka Bradnardo

Leonardo is the leader of the TMNT.  Michael Bradley is the best midfielder on our National Team.  As anyone who has ever played soccer knows, the game is won or lost primarily in the middle of the pitch.  Without a strong midfield, both your offense and defense breaks down.  Michael Bradley leads the USMNT midfield, just like Leonardo leads the Turtles.

Raphael/Jozy Altidore aka Jozael

It’s been a while since I’ve watched the TMNT movies, but if I remember correctly, Raphael doesn’t give a shit about anything for a while, but then comes through in the end of each film.  Oh hi, Jozy Altidore!  The USMNT forward’s picture was on the back of a milk carton for 18 months, going scoreless in international competition until his recent explosion.  Jozy has scored in 5 straight USMNT games, including a hat-trick in yesterday’s game VS Bosnia-Herzegovina

Michaelangelo/Clint Dempsey aka Deucelangelo

Who was your favorite Ninja Turtle as a kid?  Most likely it was Michaelangelo, the lovable pizza eating dude.  Who’s your favorite USMNT player?  I’m willing to bet it’s Clint Dempsey, aka Deuce.  Deuce loves scoring goals like Mikey loves being a turtle.  Michaelangelo is a party dude, Deuce raps.  

Donatello/Tim Howard aka Timatello

Before Tim Howard comes after me for relating him to a nerd, hear me out.  While Leonardo leads the TMNT, who’s the guy backing everyone up, making sure all the angles are calculated and accounted for?  Donatello, that’s who.  Tim Howard backs up the entire USMNT minding the pipes.  The man in-between the sticks is the most reliable USMNT player, just like Donnie is the most reliable Turtle.

*BONUS* April O’Neil/Alex Morgan aka April O’Morgan

OK, so she’s on the US Women’s National Team, but April wasn’t really one of the Turtles.  In every single TMNT movie, April O’Neil is played by an attractive actress(like Megan Fox in the upcoming film), and Alex Morgan is very easy on the eyes.  Plus, I just wanted to do a Google image search for Alex Morgan.  It’s my blog, I do what I want.