Star Wars: The Force Awakens Review From a Non-Star Wars Fan

On a last-minute invitation this past Friday, I went to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens with my neighbor and a few of his friends.  I’ve seen the original 3 films a couple of times, but never saw any of the additional 3 films in their entirety.  I’m not a Star Wars fan, or a Trekkie for that matter, but I feel like I’d weigh in on the box office record shattering film. (CAUTION: THIS ARTICLE WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT)

Upon entering the theater, I quickly observed how fanatical Star Wars fans are.  Half the moviegoers were wearing Star Wars t-shirts.  Some had lightsabers.  Others wore jackets that were furry like a wookie, which I thought was pretty morbid because isn’t that like skinning Han Solo’s best friend and wearing him?  I asked one guy if Spock was in this one.  He didn’t find my joke funny.

Before the movie started, one of my neighbors friends were filling us in on the most recent Star Wars films.  The guy sitting next to me (who wasn’t in our group, and was an obvious Star Wars super-fan) chuckles to himself and says “heh, someone’s getting the rundown,” as if everyone attending a Friday showing of Star Wars should be an expert on the 6 previous films.

This guy sitting next to me was more entertaining than the actual movie.  When each preview started, he would say something to the effect of “not another one!” or “just start the movie already!”.  He said each character’s name when they first appeared on the screen (pretty sure he jizzed his pants when Admiral Akbar made a cameo), and literally lost his shit when one of the main characters died.  Like, the dude started hyperventilating.  I thought I was going to have to call 911.  When it looked like another character died (he didn’t, although I don’t know how you survive a lightsaber slice to the back), the dude next to me started crying.  Literal tears.  He was like 30 years old.  It was awkward.

The movie is pretty much a 2 hours and 15 minutes long introduction to 2 new Star Wars characters, Rey (Daisy Ridley), a Jedi who doesn’t know she’s a Jedi, and Finn (John Boyega), a Storm Trooper who doesn’t want to be a Storm Trooper.  Rey learns she can move shit with her mind, and do that Jedi mind trick where you tell someone to do something and they just do it.  She’s going to get PAID if she hasn’t already agreed on compensation for the next 2 films.  We’re talking Jennifer Lawrence Hunger Games type money.  She was bad-ass in this movie, and played the part well.  Finn is going to be an important character, too, I assume.  I mean like I said earlier they kill off one of the most beloved Star Wars characters ever in this movie, so someone has to pick up the slack.

The film plays out like a typical Disney movie.  Good vs evil, evil turns good and helps the good guys, bigger evil might turn good but doesn’t and kills a good guy, good guys win in the end but it’s not over yet, blah blah blah lasers and droids.  To put it bluntly, Star Wars: The Force Awakens was predictable as hell.  There was not one part of the movie that surprised me.  And I know Star Wars fans are going to disagree with me, but the film was incredibly corny, to boot.  I saw the film in 3D, and aside for one part where it looked like spaceships were flying at you and the end when Rey is holding out a lightsaber for someone to grab, I might as well have been watching in regular HD.

The main villain in the movie, Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), has this lightsaber with two mini light sabers coming out of the side of it, like some sort of lightsaber cross.  I’m not doing the best explaining this thing so here it is:

First of all, if lightsabers were real there would be more lightsaber accidents than anything that disfigures and/or kills people in the entire galaxy.  I feel it’d be incredibly easy to drop a lightsaber and slice your own leg off.  There are several light saber drops in this movie and that doesn’t happen, which is bullshit, and if they wanted to be more accurate I feel Star Wars should have a couple of amputees on-screen at all times.

Kylo Ren’s lightsaber cross thing is even more dangerous.  He should have inadvertently sliced his own hand off several times.  When he first turns that accident waiting to happen on, you just knew he was going to battle someone with it and burn their shoulder with one of the small lightsaber parts.  It was inevitable.  And it happens.  And it doesn’t burn a hole through their body like it should have.  But it still happened, and was so foreshadowed it wasn’t even enjoyable to see.

I’m not going to ruin any more of the movie for you if you haven’t seen it yet.  The special effects and shit were visually appealing, obviously, and the movie was “fun” if you’re into Star Wars, but this isn’t a “must see” movie.  And it definitely isn’t worth the extra few bucks for 3D.  Star Wars: The Force Awakens will ride an incredibly massive hype train all the way to $2billion+ in no-time, but they could have just shown Star Wars Kid spinning around with a broom handle for 2 hours and Star Wars fans would have paid to see it.

3/5 Stars.