In the middle of this week, I finally received my issue of ESPN the magazine. The whole issue was a dedication to Michael Vick. Whoa. From killing dogs to killing us softly (well, he isn’t killing you softly if you are an Eagles fan of course, but if you are, you probably deserve to die anyways). The guy has pulled a career 180. Even though I am a fan of the New York Giants and he plays the most important position for a hated division rival, I find it difficult to hate Vick. I love reclamation projects but even before he was one, he had a playground flair and a Hip Hop swagger that spoke to my soul and it still does. He has the skills to buck the belief that you need to be a pocket passer as a QB in order to win a Super Bowl.
And ESPN wants you to imagine what his and our lives would be like if Michael Vick was white.
Yep, on page 140 of ESPN the Magazine, there is an article written by a mystery man named Toure that wonders “What if Michael Vick was white?” Yeah, I almost threw up in my mouth too.
Luckily for us, the internet is full of awesome people like me who like to poke fun at stupidity. And boy, are they good at photoshop.
Let me present to you Exhibit A: What if Michael Vick was an actual Eagle!
Well, if Vick were actually an eagle, he’d be protected because he’d be an endangered species. He would also be revered as the symbol of freedom and of the United States. He’d also have unnatural advantages on the football field because of his ability to fly. It’d also be difficult for him to hold on to a football because he’d have wings where hands would be.
Let’s move on to Exhibit B: What if Michael Vick was a pitbull?
If this were the case, he’d annoy everyone on the field with horrible reggaeton music and I would have to puncture my eardrums with butcher knives. In fact, let’s not think about this “What if…” scenario ever again.
Exhibit C: What if Michael Vick were a White Chick?
Men everywhere of every race would cherish the ground she walks on. Until everyone found out that she was actually Marlon Wayans with a whole lot of makeup.
Exhibit D: What if Michael Vick were a black Tom Brady?
Both Black and White people’s heads would explode simultaneously. Now the Chinese rule the world in a Mad Max type of dystopian future.
So I got someone to do a couple of photoshops for me (because if I did them, they would be god awful).
What if Michael Vick were Godzilla?
If this was reality, that means Monster Island is REAL. Realer then we ever thought were possible. This means that Mothra would be eligible to be drafted by the NY Giants (and heck, they’ll need him considering how depleted the defensive backfield looks). Unfortunately for the Eagles, the Japanese would all loathe the team.
What if Michael Vick were an Asian man?
If Vick were Asian, I’m sure his overbearing father would’ve tried to push him to be a doctor or a scientist rather then a football player. But let’s just say he were a football player, his expertise in geometry would give him an expert advantage in analyzing angles in passing and running lanes. He would be too difficult to stop.
What if Michael Vick were a dog?
If Michael Vick were a dog, would he have killed himself? Yeah, I know. Mindblowing stuff, huh?
Honestly, who cares? Who cares what race Michael Vick is? As long as he is fun to watch, he’s good at what he does, and is a good person, does it matter? No and it shouldn’t.
Props goes out to Wes Restless of westrestless.com for the last 3 photoshops.