2012 was a great year for sports (aren’t they all?). So with the new year just around the corner, here are TSB’s New Year’s Resolutions for some of the biggest people/organizations in the world of sports. If you have any suggestions, please comment in the box at the end of the article and we’ll make sure to add them.
LeBron James’ Agent– To decline any more advertisements that have LeBron going to the barber shop. Dude’s got the worst hairline in sports. It’s just cruel.
Ronda Rousey– To rip Cyborg’s arm off with one of her vicious arm-bars. I wouldn’t just Pay-Per-View this fight, I’d get on a plane and head to Vegas so I could see it live.
A.J. Green– Start going by the nickname “Optimus Prime”. He’s no Megatron yet, but this is only his 2nd year in the league and he’s already a top 3 WR. Guy deserves a rival nickname.
Mark Sanchez– Start practicing the question “Paper or plastic?”
Dana White– Cool it with the UFC events. There were 30 in 2012 alone. 30! Don’t get mewrong, I love watching people get punched in the face, but you’re over-saturating the market.
People on Twitter cursing out athletes because they didn’t get them enough fantasy points– Get a life. Athletes are people too, and it isn’t their obligation to put up 150 yards and 2 TDs every week so you can win your $100 per team fantasy league. If I was a professional athlete I’d be taking a knee on the 1 on purpose to screw over you ingrates.
All Professional Athletes– Pay someone to drive you home every single time you go out and put down a few glasses of Hennessy. Seriously. Stop driving drunk. It’s not worth it
Royce White – To sac up. Seriously bro. If you have a “mental disorder”, maybe youshouldn’t have entered the NBA draft. I know that if I didn’t have a left foot, I wouldn’t have tried to become a race car driver. Stop blaming the Rockets here. “I have chosen to not play, because the doctors and I believe it to be unsafe for unqualified Rockets front office personnel to make medical decisions, as they are not mental health professionals,” he said. the Rockets should just tear up his contract and refer him to the nearest Walmart.
The Rock- To leave Hollywood and return the WWE FULL TIME! Enough with the “Tooth Fairy” and “Return to Witch Mountain” bullshit.
The Chicago Cubs- To finally trade Alfonso Soriano!
New York Yankees – To join a slow pitch softball league. Their .188 batting average in the post-season was beyond pitiful.
Alex Rodgiguez – For a speedy recovery from his recent surgery for a “brand new plastic hip!” Luckily for the Yankees, A-Rod only has 5 years and $119 million left on his contract.
Derek Jeter – To go on that New Year’s Diet. It might be easier this year since Hostess went out of business.
JaVale McGee – To just keep doin’ your thing. Seriously. Don’t stop being yourself. There’s no other athlete anywhere that does so much without trying so hard. From your social media antics to your play on the court. You are exactly what we need.
Lance Armstrong – To just go away. Everything you stand for is a lie. If you didn’t cheat, no one would have cared about you. Everything you have become is because of a lie. Just disappear into nothingness you fraud.
The Summer Olympics – For all sports that require judges, to become 100% computerized. For what was once considered the biggest stage for the world’s best athletes, has become a complete farce and is another spawning ground for fraud and corruption.
Linsanity – To make a comeback. We all knew Linsanity wasn’t going to last, but they way it captivated not only New York, but the rest of the world, was just incredible. It’s amazing how a few wins and a fat guy at point guard can have New Yorkers forgetting about him.
Lockouts/Strikes – To never happen again. Honestly, when billionaire owners are penny-pinching everyone loses. The fact that NFL almost lost games this year was a joke, and it’s an even bigger joke that the NHL is something like 130 days into this lockout. Gary Bettman should just be buried out in the Pine Barrons and never heard from again. For a sport that is probably coming off of it’s best year in the last 20, the NHL has completely screwed itself.