Live from my desk I’ll be giving you my expert analysis and reaction pick-by-pick for the 1st round of the 2013 NFL Draft. Joining me today will be Manti Te’o’s ex-girlfriend, Lennay Kekua
I posted my thoughts last year in my Live 2012 NFL Draft 1st Round Commentary piece, and as you can see I pretty much nailed it. I don’t watch a ton of college football, but I do watch a lot of mix-tapes on YouTube and know talent when I see it. I predicted Brandon Weeden would take over the starting QB job in Cleveland, and hinted that Doug Martin would eventually be the man in Tampa Bay. While it seems I have the ability to predict the future, I admit that I’m more Miss Cleo than Nostradamus.
7:00PM- We’re an hour away from the NFL draft and I’m already sick of Todd McShay and Mel Kiper Jr. McShay is just way too smug, and Mel Kiper Jr’s hair has been out of control for the better part of 3 decades. McShay is that guy in your fantasy football league that tells you he’s going to win it every year, loses in the first round of the playoffs, and then bitches all winter long about it. Kiper Jr. is the guy who wins it year after year and hits you up for league dues seconds after the final game. Both of them are huge douches.
7:01PM– Tavon Austin and Cordarrelle Patterson show up dressed like Kanye West at the Grammy’s. I can’t wait for one of them to steal a jersey from another drafted player and tell the audience that they’ll let them finish, but Jerry Rice is the best WR of all time.
7:30PM- Chris Berman didn’t yell like last year. Thank God he cooled his jets this time around. Tavon Austin is getting a lot of love from the camera crew. To be honest, if the Jets picked Geno Smith at 9 and Tavon Austin at 13, I’d be happy. Shit I’d be downright ecstatic.
7:40PM- They just finished announcing the top prospects in the draft. Funny, they didn’t mention the Honey Badger Tyrann Mathieu. I wonder how his draft party is going.
7:45PM- Manti Te’o is getting a lot of love so far too. Lennay Kekua hasn’t chimed in at all. It’s as if she’s not even here. I can’t wait for the Bears to draft this kid so I can go to Soldier Field next year and take a picture of myself next to an open seat.
7:55PM- 5 minutes until the Chiefs make their selection. Can’t wait til they select an offensive tackle that will totally revolutionize their franchizzzzZZZzzzz
Hungry? Try a Snickers. You don’t paint the field well when you’re hungry.
I’m joined by Baggy Dizzle for some more analysis and commentary. His words will be italicized so you guys know who is who.
8:00PM– This NFL Draft intro is causing seizures for me with all the flashing lights. Right when it starts to calm down, Russell Wilson introduced 50 cent to spit a verse. Way to stay relevant., Fitty. What was the name of your last album? Yeah, i don’t know either.
8:02PM– Mel Kiper’s hair never moves. An unstoppable force couldn’t move that immovable object.
8:15PM- Jon Gruden’s hair is channeling the 1960′s beatles, looking like Dennis the Menace and Ringo Starr with a touch of the downs.
Pick #1. Kansas City Chiefs- Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan
Sweet. Way to go, KC. I’m a huge fan of drafting o-line players, just not #1 overall. I guess this draft is pretty limp on talent, as this was no surprise. I’m just not wowed. At all.
Eric Fisher’s pocket square doesn’t really exist. It’s an optical illusion.
8:15PM- Suzy Kolber looks like a midget next to Eric Fisher. I’m just wondering why the Chiefs waited so long to announce their pick. Felt like it was taking forever. Oh sweet, commercial break time.
8:22PM– The commercial break is over and Boom is stuttering like he was caught by surprise. I have a feeling we’re going to see him scarfing a sandwich or a slice of pizza later in the draft when we come back from another commercial break. Guy is all over the place.
Why does Jon Gruden’s head always look like it’s about to explode?
Pick #2. Jacksonville Jaguars- Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M
The Jags got this one right. They picked the guy who protected the Heisman Trophy winner. Totally OK with this pick, as unsexy as drafting OT’s at the top of the draft is. Maybe Henne/Gabbert won’t die this season.
Does everyone have to rock those ugly Nike warm-ups in their intro videos or what? Luke Joeckel is smiling waaaaay too much even though he knows he’s going to be a Jacksonville Jaguar.
8:28PM- Does not having Al Davis mean that the Raiders don’t screw up their first round picks anymore?
My money is on no.
Al Davis’ ghost is watching the draft, no doubt. Wouldn’t be surprised if he possesses someone and makes them take a kicker.
I’m still not convinced that they didn’t “Weekend At Bernie” Al Davis for the last 2-3 years of his life
8:31PM- That graphic where they showed some Raiders draft picks and the pick right afterward is Whoopi Goldberg ugly. Man, I’d hate to be a Raiders fan right now.
**TRADE ALERT** Oakland Raiders trade the 3rd pick to Miami Dolphins
Pick #3. Miami Dolphins- Dion Jordan, OLB, Oregon
Details of the trade aren’t clear yet, but Miami has been making moves this off-season. At 6’6 250 this kid is massive. Should be a difference maker for Miami right away, but I don’t understand trading up to 3rd to get him. Probably could have cut a deal with someone in the 5-8 range.
8:38PM- Dion Jordan rocking the Pee-wee Herman bowtie. Nice.
Pick #4. Philadelphia Eagles- Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma
Can’t wait til we see offensive tackles endorsing Subway sandwiches and Wheaties. Seriously, this draft couldn’t be more different from last year’s. Lane Johnson is 300lbs and runs a 4.7 40. That’s fucking scary. If Lane Johnson was the monster in your toddler’s closet, you’d lock the door and start mourning your loss.
Pick #5. Detroit Lions- Ezekiel Ansah, DE, BYU
Just like last year, the Detroit Lions Madden NFL cover athlete announces their pick. Since Barry isn’t playing anymore, he’ll probably end up losing half his money in the stock market or something.
The sky is the limit with Ansah. He’s a massive human being with crazy athleticism. He didn’t even know what football was 5 years ago. It’s safe to say that he and Suh will be like the bash brothers of the NFL.
LOL @ 4.5 career sacks by Ezekiel Ansah. Is Matt Millen the GM of the Lions again?
Pick #6. Cleveland Browns- Barkevious Mingo, OLB, LSU
Ezekiel Ansah and Barkevious Mingo go back to back to the Lions and Browns respectively. Both are pass rushers with non-americanized names. Somewhere, Jerry Reese is super jealous.
With a name like Barkevious, this kid must have been picked on all his life, until he became huge and was able to eat other human beings for breakfast. I feel bad that he has to live in Cleveland, though. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
Pick #7. Arizona Cardinals- Jonathan Cooper, G, UNC
Mel Kiper loves this dude, calling him the best G he’s scouted in years. If only the Cardinals had a QB worth protecting.
Is this guy rocking a turquoise tie?
This can’t be life.
9:03PM- They’re saying the Bills may potentially trade their pick to the Rams. Very interesting.
**TRADE ALERT** Buffalo Bills trade the 8th pick to the St Louis Rams
I said it last year as a Jets fan. I’ll say it again. Fuck. The Rams are definitely snatching Tavon Austin right under the Jets’ nose. Ugh.
Jon Gruden: “I think Sam Bradford is under a lot of pressure this year.” Ummmmm, Jon. Sam Bradford is under a lot of pressure every year. He was running for his life every time the ball was hiked.
Pick #8. St Louis Rams- Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia
Juuuust great. While the Jets sat their with their dick in their hand, the Rams make a move and get the best WR in the draft. Can’t wait to see who NY blows their pick on next.
This is how I feel when I watch the Jets pick in the draft. Pretty sure he took the short bus to the game
9:15PM– Sal Paolantonio confirms the Jets wanted Tavon Austin. Ugh.
If the Jets pick Geno Smith, the place will explode.
Pick #9. New York Jets- Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama
You know what, I’m happy about this pick. Not getting Tavon Austin hurts. A lot. But the Jets picked a guy that will hopefully make the fans forget about Revis. At least this kid won’t be demanding $16mil/year. Yet.
Look at Dee Milliner’s chin! He looks like Monta Ellis and Jay Leno had sex and had a baby.
Pick #10. Tennessee Titans- Chance Warmack, G, Alabama
Gruden just called him a “thumper”. The only thumper I know is from Bambi.
Chance Warmack is a beast. This guy should have went before Cooper. I don’t get it. The guy just makes holes.
Pick #11. San Diego Chargers- D.J. Fluker, OT, Alabama
It must be fun for Alabama players to hang out at the draft and go up to the podium one after the other. Alabama has looked like a professional team for the past couple of seasons. Seeing this many players drafted this early isn’t a huge surprise.
Alabama players go back to back to back like the chicago Bulls.
9:33PM- Baggy Dizzle and I are talking about where the Honey Badger might fall in the draft. Neither of us think he’ll end up in the 1st round, but the 2nd is a high possibility. If he doesn’t get drafted in the first, do the people who attended his party get their money back?
Pick #12. Oakland Raiders- D.J. Hayden, CB, Houston
Baggy Dizzle right before the pick:
So Oakland can still screw up this pick, right?
I think they accomplished that. This kid has wheels, but this is a REACH. Dude isn’t even in the green room. Last November this kid took a knee to his chest severing a vein from the back of his heart. It’s a miracle he’s alive yet alone a first round draft pick.
9:43PM- I want Geno Smith. I’ve wanted Geno Smith for 6 months. If the Jets pick the dweeb from Syracuse I’ll lose my shit. If they don’t go QB, they gotta go Sharrif Floyd or Jarvis Jones.
Adam Schefter is reporting that the Jets are discussing Geno Smith. This place is going to go nuts.
Pick #13. New York Jets- Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri
Can’t wait for next year’s New York Jets top 5 pick.
Typical Jets. Their offense sucks, they have 2 first round picks, and they pick two defensive players. They are sooooooo going to regret not picking Eifert.
Pick #14. Carolina Panthers- Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah
I bet this guy is bro’s with Te’o. They probably double date with their fake girlfriends all the time.
I actually picked Star for the Panthers in our mock draft. Call me now for your free reading.
Do yourself a favor. NEVER Google Image Search Ms Cleo with the safety filters off. Shopping cart. Gross.
Pick #15. New Orleans Saints- Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas
I was going to say something terrible until they reminded me of that poor kid’s condition. Thank you, Berman.
The only thing I know about Vaccaro is that Geno Smith torched him for a handful of TDs. He’s supposedly the top ranked safety in the draft though, so it might work out for the Saints. Bills on the clock now after sticking it to the Jets by trading their pick.
Pick #16. Buffalo Bills- EJ Manuel, QB, Florida State
Bills needed a QB. They took the guy who dominated the ESPN Sports Science workout, if you can call that a workout. I’m very surprised Manuel is the first QB off the board. Hope he enjoys the cold. This is officially the REACH of the draft.
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. The AFC East has been the most interesting part of this draft. EJ Manuel?
10:10PM- I’m pretty sure Suzy Kolber doesn’t even know who the fuck EJ Manuel is. She’s asking him generic questions about his shirt. Security still isn’t sure if they let the right guy in the building.
EJ Manuel is a gamble you cannot afford to make if you’re the Bills. Worst non-Raiders pick I can remember in years. -Todd McShay
Pick #17. Pittsburgh Steelers- Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia
He’s a big, fast dude. Steelers got a good one.
Man, Pittsburgh stays winning at the draft.
**TRADE ALERT** Dallas Cowboys trade the 18th pick to the San Francisco 49ers
Pick #18. San Francisco 49ers- Eric Reid, S, LSU
The 49ers have so many picks in this draft it’s unreal. A return to the Super Bowl looks likely for San Fran. They needed a safety, and I think Reid would have fallen to them late in the 1st, but unlike some teams (cough Jets cough) they didn’t wait to see what would happen.
FUCKING SHIT. THE GIANTS WANTED ERIC REID. THATS WHY THEY TRADED UP IN FRONT OF THE GIANTS. THOSE FUCKING DICKS. FUCK YOU JIM HARBAUGH. FUCK YOU COLIN KAEPERNICK AND YOUR FUGLY MOLE. FUCK YOU PATRICK WILLIS. I hate San Francisco. So much.
Pick #19. New York Giants- Justin Pugh, OT, Syracuse
Justin Pugh? WTF. Okay, calm down. In Reese I trust.
10:22PM- A little late but check out Ziggy’s glasses:
Ansah stole the frames from the movie theater
Life’s not real enough for Ezekiel Ansah, obviously.
10:25PM- Bears are on the clock. I might piss myself if they take Te’o.
Pick #20. Chicago Bears- Kyle Long, OG, Oregon
And the Bears avoid being the butt of every joke for the next 5-10 years. I love this pick for Chicago. Kyle Long is huge. Son of a Hall of Famer. This won’t work out right away, but the future is bright.
Pick #21. Cincinnati Bengals- Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame
Bengals snag the best TE in the draft, but what does this mean for Gresham? I thought Gresham was on the rise. He might have to take a back seat to the rook. 6’5 with a 35″ vertical? The kid is going to be a red-zone TD factory.
I can’t believe the Bungles finally made a good pick.
10:37PM- If the Honey Badger isn’t picked within the next 10 picks, does the DJ get on the mic and tell everyone to get the fuck out? Also, there are rumors the Jets (and Bucs, but I don’t give a flying you know what about them) are trying to trade back into the first round. Interesting.
Maybe the Jets don’t really have Idzik as the GM. Maybe their GM is Teo’ed.
**TRADE ALERT** St Louis Rams trade the #22 pick to the Atlanta Falcons
Pick #22. Atlanta Falcons- Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington
I think the Falcons are the 2nd best team going into the 2013 season. I don’t know much about Trufant. I thought Mathieu was going to be the next CB off the board. Gruden is all over his jock.
Pick #23. Minnesota Vikings- Shariff Floyd, DT, Florida
Steal of the draft. Floyd is a beast. Kiper had him ranked 4th overall, Minnesota lands him with the 23rd pick. That is the definition of value.
Pick #24. Indianapolis Colts- Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State
This guy tackles so hard it looks like he’s going through players. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulls a Not Another Teen Movie at some point in his career.
Pick #25. Minnesota Vikings- Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida State
Chris Berman with the worst pun of the draft: “They got the Sharrif, and now they got the deputy.” Brutal.
A lot of FSU players flying off the board. Is it me or were they not that good last year? I don’t get it.
10:58PM- Packers on the clock. 7 picks left in the first round. Geno Smith with his head down in the green room, likely playing Angry Birds on his phone or something.
Pick #26. Green Bay Packers- Datone Jones, DE, UCLA
Every time Gruden speaks I feel like he’s trying to sell me something, and his description of Datone Jones is no exception. He’s calling him the steal of the draft. I’m calling him Datone Jones, DE for the Packers who we won’t hear much about next year.
Pick #27. Houston Texans- DeAndre Hopkins, WR, Clemson
Hmm. Huge character issues with Hopkins. Dude went Scary Movie all over his combine hotel room.
Houston Texans, why you no pick Hunter?
Pick #28. Denver Broncos- Sylvester Williams, DT, UNC
The 3rd best team heading into 2013 just got better. Solid value here. Williams is built like a mack truck. Really like this pick.
**TRADE ALERT** New England Patriots trade the 29th pick to the Minnesota Vikings
11:19PM- The Vikings are on the clock again. I’m just wondering how they’re going to divide all the rookie hazing up in Minnesota. Unless they pick Te’o. Then he gets all of it. If I’m the Vikings, I go Hunter.
The New England Patriots are awesome at drafting. Minnesota gave them a ton of picks for this slot.
Pick #29. Minnesota Vikings- Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee
The most ridiculously dressed player at the NFL draft is finally picked. The Vikings need some WR help, I don’t know if Patterson is the answer but he should be a decent possession receiver in the NFL if he can cure his occasional butter-fingers.
Pick #30. St Louis Rams- Alec Ogletree, ILB, Georgia
Rams had a solid first round with their couple of picks. Their team is still a few years away from being competitive, though.
Pick #31. Dallas- Travis Frederick, C, Wisconsin
Hopefully this guy can get on the same page as franchise QB Tony Romo.
Pick #32. Baltimore- Matt Elam, S, Florida
A lot of people thought Te’o was going to be the guy here, but Baltimore decided to try to fill the hole left by the departure of Ed Reed. The Super Bowl Champions won’t make the playoffs this year. I’m calling it.
11:50PM- Was it me, or did this draft just not have the same flair and luster of the 2012 draft? All of the analysts are saying it’s deep, but I’m just not seeing any franchise changing talent this year.
Anyone have any word on the Honey Badger’s draft party? Is it over, or will it go on until he gets picked? The guests could be there through Saturday.