I don’t have a mullet, but I do have all of my teeth. For these reasons I am not your average hockey fan, and by not your average hockey fan I mean I don’t watch the NHL. I have more fingers on my hands than the amount of active professional hockey players I can name. I was watching ESPN today and found out the Kings won the Stanley Cup last year. Sweet. Way to go LA (they play in LA, right?).
We have several avid hockey fans that blog for us here at TSB, I’m just not one of them. I’m here to tell you who would win the Stanley Cup if team mascots were to fight each other in a 7 game series. Let’s do this.
This one isn’t even a contest. The Blackhawks would shoot the Wild with their bows and arrows and wear them as fur hats. Chicago rolls in a sweep.
WINNER: CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS 4-0.
This is a more interesting match-up. The Blues mascot is not a guy with a harmonica and a guitar, but a Bear. And the Kings mascot isn’t a figurehead with an ornamental sword, but a Lion. Makes complete sense. The Blues claw their way to 3 wins, but the LA Kings of the jungle take it in 7.
WINNER: LA KINGS 4-3
If Anaheim still had “Mighty” in their name, this would be a 4-0 sweep for the Ducks. While a wheel with a wing on it would be enough to run over the Ducks, Detroit’s mascot is actually an Octopus, and a mean one. Ducks can’t handle all those arms.
WINNER: DETROIT RED WINGS 4-2
I just learned that a Canuck is just a slang term for a Canadian, which is funny to me because there’s also an NHL team called the Canadiens. How fucking unimaginative are people from Canada? Either way, the Canucks mascot is a Whale (wasn’t there a team called the Whalers a while back? The fuck, Canada?). I’m pretty sure Sharks eat Whales. Sweep.
WINNER: SAN JOSE SHARKS 4-0
It’s complete bullshit that the NY Islanders’ mascot isn’t the Gordon’s Fisherman. Their mascot is actually a bad-ass dragon. Penguins stand no chance against majestic fire-breathing creatures. Sorry, Pitt fans.
WINNER: NY ISLANDERS 4-0
Oh shit! Bear vs Bear! You’d think Toronto’s mascot would be a tree, but no, it is a Bear. A Polar Bear to be exact. Brown Bear VS Polar Bear. Who wins? The Polar Bear. You know why? Google image search “brown bear eating”. Those fish look like a nice little meal for the Brown Bear, don’t they? Now Google image search “polar bear eating”. Oh. My. God. The humanity! Global warming has forced Polar Bears to eat anything, even other Polar Bears. Jeebus. The Bruins get one win before the Maple Leafs eat their entire family.
WINNER: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS 4-1
While I’d respect Montreal more if their mascot was a dude wearing a jean jacket and jeans aka the Canadian tuxedo, their mascot is Youppi!, who used to be the Expos mascot. And instead of a warrior clad in armor as their logo would suggest, the Ottawa Senators’ mascot is an “anthropomorphic lion” named Spartacat. Youppi! is a furry ginger looking guy who probably doesn’t have a soul. A part man, part lion is bad ass, but no match for the soulless ginger in a best of 7 series.
WINNER: MONTREAL CANADIENS 4-3
While I thought neither of these teams had a mascot, the Caps actually have an awesome, majestic Eagle named Slapshot as their mascot. The Rangers are the only team in the NHL playoffs without one. Way to fuck up my article, New York. You lose.
WINNER: WASHINGTON CAPITALS DUE TO NY RANGERS DISQUALIFICATION
Be sure to check back soon for the next round so you can find out who will win the Stanley cup if the Mascots all fought each other.