Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!? Why did we have to be subjected to such cruelty on television?!?!?! Yesterday marked the episode that is the game changer of the 3rd season of Game of Thrones. The episode was pretty much all about the Khaleesi and the Starks. Normally, I complain about The Starks getting too much TV time on an episode but it looks like you won’t be hearing that complaint from me ever again.
Let’s first start off by talking about the Danny Targaryan arc. The Calvin Klein model that squaded up with Team Khaleesi is getting a bit too touchy feely with our heroine and Sir Friend Zone is not too pleased with that one bit. When the CK model comes up with a plan that will help the overtake the slave city, Sir Friend Zone plays the distrust card. However, Sir Friend Zone proves to be wrong when they have successfully ransacked the city and Khaleesi is last seen swooning when CK model kneels before her while saying the Essos version of “You a bad bitch.” Meanwhile, Sir Friend Zone is sooooooo upset at these developments.
Bran’s and Jon Snow’s stories intertwine so I’m going to tag team their arcs. Bran, Jojen and gang find a watchtower of sorts and decide they are going to bunk there for the night. They start game planning about what they are going to do when the semi-hot wildling chick reiterates for the millionth time that she’s not going back north over the wall. That’s when Bran’s like “Hey, Rickon, you should go with the hot wildling chick.” This is like the first time Rickon has gotten legit face time like when the iPhone 4S just came out. I’m sure if you still put him in a lineup in front of me after the episode, I still wouldn’t be able to pick him out though. Hodor starts going buck and this is when Jon Snow and the wildling army passes by. This whole time they stole horses from the Watch’s personal stable and are chasing after the geriatric stable guy. They catch up to him at the watchtower and the warg wildling thinks he hears something in the watchtower but Ginger Santa Claus tells him to chill. Ginger Santa Claus tells Emo Snow to kill the geriatric stable guy but he’s too much of a wuss so Ygritte does it with an arrow to the heart. This causes shit to hit the fan with Emo Snow fighting everyone and Ygritte trying to help out but Ginger Santa Claus is rumbling with her. While all of that was happening, Bran gets Hodor to come down by doing some Professor Xavier type of thing that bugged out Jojen because J-Jiggy was all like “No one can do that.” He asks Bran to take control of the direwolves so Bran now does his Dr. Doolittle/Professor Xavier thing with the direwolves and helps out Emo Snow so he can escape. Ygritte sees Emo Snow run away like the emo boy he is and is pretty heartbroken. I was kinda feeling for Sir Friend Zone and Ygritte but then shit hit the fan and splattered everywhere.
So the Starks and the Northern army enter the Frey (lololol you see what I did there?) castle and immediately get a scolding and a couple of wisecracks from Big Daddy Frey. This forces Robb to apologize so the wedding can commence. Meanwhile, Arya and the Hound find their way to get into the Frey Castle by knocking out some dude bringing pork to the ceremony but not before Arya get’s pissy at the Hound for trying to kill the pork delivery guy. So Hound is all like “Fine, I’m just going to chill out here and eat some pig, yo” while making fun of Arya and her fears while Arya makes fun of the Hound’s fear of fire. Arya even gets kinda tough saying she’s going to stick a sword through the Hound’s eye and have it come out his skull. Back to the wedding, everyone’s celebrating and getting drunk and eating. Talisa let’s Robb know that she plans on naming the kid Eddard after Robb’s pops. This gets all Robb teary eyed. Big Daddy Frey can’t stomach any more of this so he gets the couple out and then he locks the door. Big Momma Stark can smell that something is amiss. Out of nowhere, some dude and performs a hundred hand stabbing on Talisa’s stomach. Naturally, she BUGS THE HELL OUT. Robb’s pretty freaked out about this too. Shit, I won’t even front. I freaked out. After watching that scene, I went from Pro-choice to Pro-life in 1 nanosecond. Started watching Fox News immediately afterwards. Regretted voting for Obama during the past two presidential elections. Anyways, everyone in the Stark clan at the wedding is getting merked. Big Momma Stark grabs Frey’s wife and is like “Spare my son or I’m cutting this bitch’s head off.” Frey is like “Whatevs”. So Robb gets his throat slit. Big Momma Stark slits the Frey chick’s throat. Bolton comes by and slits Big Momma Starks throat. Everyone is getting their throat slit except for the Freys. Bolton let’s the cat out the bag that the Freys have teamed up with the Lannisters. The episode ends with silent credits. I’m practically bawling at this point and am bombarded with texts regarding the episode.
Wait, this wasn’t even the finale? Where the hell does the show go from here? What is happening? Am I still a republican or is this just a temporary phase that I’m going through? I don’t even feel like talking about this anymore. I’m going to go in to treatment for PTSD. After that depressing episode, there is only one thing that can help raise our spirits.