Opening Day is Monday which means it’s time for me to make some hideous predictions. This is part 1 of an 8 part series so get ready folks!! Not really, but either way here’s what we can expect from the Mets and their players this season.
Bartolo Colon – Isn’t nearly as good as he was last year but has a nice season. Bizarrely hits .350 for the season with 8 doubles. Refuses to bunt because it’s undignified. His at bats become must see TV.
Matt Harvey- The only rehab he goes to is a club in NYC called “Rehab”. Still insists that he will be pitching on Opening Day 2014 until the all star break. Demands a trade in August and then publicly refuses to sign a non-existent contract extension sometime in mid-September.
Jenrry Mejia – Wins the 5th starter job, gets hurt after 6 starts and doesn’t pitch again this season.
Jon Niese – Starts slow, goes on the DL for a month, comes back and looks like the greatest pitcher of all time. Nose falls off during a game in September.
Bobby Parnell- Throws slower but still gets guys out. Cholula goes bankrupt.
Zack Wheeler – Despite a few bad starts early, has a solid 2014 campaign. Blocks every single Mets fan on twitter.
Ike Davis – Finally has a decent season after he reveals that it was indeed his penis that we saw after Johan’s no hitter.
Vic Black- Gets called up in late April after Germen or Velverde suck. Pitches pretty well and no one remembers that he walked 10 guys in spring training.
Ruben Tejada- Has a good 2 and a half months but then gets injured. Fans clamor for Jose Reyes without realizing that he too is on the DL. Omar Quintanilla makes me hate life once again.
Lucas Duda- Terry Collins forgets that he’s on the team and he spends most of the year wandering the outfield chewing on grass.
David Wright – Stays healthy and has another solid year but strikes out to end the game on opening day with the tying run on base and that’s all anyone can focus on for the rest of the year.
Curtis Granderson- Hits 30 home runs but 6 of them come during the 2 game visit to Yankee Stadium.
Chris Young – Derek Bell part 2. Gets off to a fast start and slowly fades as the year goes on. Not even close to the worst free agent signing ever though.
Eric Young Jr. – Starts opening day and has 2 hits, 2 stolen bases and a run scored. Terry Collins doesn’t take him out of the lineup until he goes hitless in the month of June.
Terry Collins – At some point during the season he will find a way to make 7 pitching changes in a single inning.
Sandy Alderson- Bitch slaps Scott Boras and gets a 2 year extension after the Mets aren’t completely horrible this season.
More Nicholas Cage movies in the future!
My actual prediction is that the Mets offense will be much better this season and their starting pitching will be very good. The bullpen scares the crap out of me though and that’s not helped by the fact that Terry Collins has no idea how to handle a bullpen. With all that said I think the Mets will be better and might even accidentally hit .500 this season. They will be helped by the fact that the Braves and Phillies will be worse. Let’s call it a 79-83 season. I would give them more wins but it’s the Mets and you know some kind of horrible injury will occur or some player who we all thought was going to be very good will turn out to be awful. Either way I’m semi excited for baseball to start. Go local sports teams!
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