If Wally Backman Managed The Mets

It’s that time of year where Mets fans have had enough of Terry Collins saying that the team is tired after every loss, and rightfully so. If the team is so tired then maybe they should attend the Citi Field sleepover and make things really awkward for the fans.  So yeah Terry Collins needs to go and the sexy replacement pick for the last few years has been Wally Backman.  The push for Wally isn’t as epic this year mainly because no other team has seemed even remotely interested him during the past few offseasons and some of his biggest fans are in jail.

While I have become less and less convinced that Backman would be an adequate MLB manager, the truth is what do you have to lose at this point?  Let him take over for Collins, drive Collins out into the woods and tell him that he’s free and it’s Wally Time mother f’ers.

Here is a blow by blow breakdown of  what it would be like if Wally Backman managed the Mets.

Day 1: Wally announced as the new manager tells the press that “It was just a matter of time.” and spits on Mike Puma for asking about his sketchy past.

Day 2: First game with the Mets, brings out the lineup which is written on a cocktail napkin. Gets yelled at by the umpire and then punches the ump in the face.

Day 3: Gets fined $10,000 by MLB for punching the ump and gets suspended for 5 games.

Day 4: Despite being suspended, shows up to the game anyway ready to manage. Police escort him out of the stadium. Suspended for 5 more games.

Day 15: Suspension is over, the Mets go 7-3 while he is away. He takes credit for it by saying that his suspension got the team fired up.

Day 19: Mets drop their 5th in a row since his suspension ended. The Mets are winless with Wally physically being there to manage.

Day 23: After dropping eight straight the Mets finally win with Wally in the ballpark. He is so excited that he takes the team drinking.  Only half the team shows up for the game the next day and they are forced to forfeit.

Day 28: Mets finally win their second game with Wally being present.  This time they set the opposing teams bus on fire in celebration.  The investigation is a major storyline for the rest of the season.

Day 35: The Mets have managed to win 6 of 7 and are within 5 games of first place. The media doubts that the Mets can catch the Braves so Wally says “Oh yeah?” and drives to Georgia to challenge Fredi Gonzalez to a fight. Wally wins the fight but gets suspended for 15 more games and spends a night in jail.

Day 51: The Mets go 9-5 while Wally is suspended and continue to creep back into the playoff race. Wally returns to the dugout with a probation officer.

Day 53: While playing the Nationals, Teddy Roosevelt gives Wally a weird look and Wally fights all the presidents in the presidents race by himself until his probation officer tasers him. He gets suspended for 5 more games.

Day 62: Mets lose a tough one to the Phillies and Wally beats the piss out of the Phanatic. MLB awards him $5,000. He spends the money on strippers for the team.  The ensuing party leads to eight arrests and the Mets team bus gets mysteriously set on fire.

Day 72: After losing three straight, Wally decides to mix things up and has every single player in the lineup bunt every time they come up. After 15 batters do this the opposing pitcher throws at Lucas Duda’s head.   Duda rips his jersey off and beats up the entire team including the pitchers in the bullpen.  Wally lights a cigar in the dugout and says “Now that’s a winning player.”   Duda gets suspended for the rest of the season.

Day 80: After Chris Young strikes out four times in a game for the second straight day, Wally challenges Sandy Alderson to a fight in the parking lot.  Sandy chokes him out and gives Chris Young a one year extension as punishment for Wally’s insubordination.

Day 84: David Wright gets hit in the head by a pitch. Wally swears retaliation.  When Dice-K fails to hit an opposing batter, Wally goes out to the mound, picks up Dice-K, and throws him at the opposing batter.  This causes an international incident.

Day 90: With the Mets eliminated from playoff contention Wally begins to aggressively campaign for manager of the year.  He does so by calling up MLB executives and breathing heavily into the phone when they answer.

Day 94: Shows up to the Citi Field sleepover and calls everyone a bunch of sissies. Several fans sue the team for emotional trauma.

Day 96: The Mets finish 82-80, their first winning season in 6 years.  Wally celebrates by leading the entire team into a brawl against the Houston Astros for no reason at all. The fight gets so big that it bleeds into the stands and frustrated/excited fans begin fighting players on both teams.

Day 98: An “Extend Wally” protest complete with torches is held outside of Citi Field as Sandy Alderson, from a bunker announces that Wally has been resigned to a 2 year deal but only if he completes an extensive MLB run anger management course.  Wally’s time in anger management will be made into a feature length film starring Seth Rogan in 2016.

Wally Ball, Come Get Some!