Which Team Of Heroes Can Look The Saddest?

Not Sure What We’re Fighting For But Let’s Do It!


If you needed a comic book movie that would wash the taste of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Whatever” out of your mouth (Even though it really wasn’t that bad but it still should have made you sad for the future of humanity) then watching “Captain America: Civil War” is everything you could have asked for.  And I have to say, that upon a first viewing this may have been the best comic book movie ever.  How is that possible? Well, it’s been three days since I watched it and still can’t think of anything that’s wrong with it so holy crap guys this might be it.

*Spoilers Ahead!*

Major props to Marvel for creating the most boring trailers ever for this film. Especially the first trailer which looked like it was mostly comprised of unused footage from “Captain America: The Winter Solider” and some outtakes from “Avengers: Age Of Ultron”.  The trailers looked very basic but I think that was a good thing because for a change I felt like nothing about the movie was spoiled beforehand.   As for the film, it starts off with Captain America and the gang chasing down a villain named Crossbones through a crowded African city. After they accidentally dropkick a bunch of innocent civilians they manage to stop the bad guys but not before Crossbones reveals that he has a bomb! Scarlet Witch attempts to quickly throw him out of harms way but accidentally throws him into a building and kills a bunch of people.  If you look off into the distance you can see Superman and Zack Snyder nodding their heads in approval.  After this tragedy General/Corporal/William Hurt Ross and his mustache show up to say “That’s enough Avengers!” and demand that all superheroes register with the federal government. Yuck, conformity. Captain America who based on his name you’d think would be all for it is like “Nah, I’m good.” but Tony Stark who is too busy crying over having an unconscious coupling with Gwyneth Paltrow is like “Yeah guys, let’s sign it. It will be totes cool.” He’s annoying but still very likable in this movie (Well done writers). Stark of course was responsible for the entire plot of “Avengers: Age Of Ultron” since he was the one who invented the robot that led to a country rising into the sky and then falling on a bunch of people which oh by the way creates a new super villain (Helmut Zemo) who is focused on tearing apart the Avengers using video footage. The most impressive thing about Zemo is that I think he’s he first super villain who meticulously keeps receipts of everything he buys for his plots. The film introduces two new characters to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Black Panther and Spider-man.  Black Panther is hellbent on killing the Winter Soldier after it appears that he kills his father (And a bunch of other people whose children don’t happen to also be superheroes). That’s when things really pick up because Captain America beats up a lot of freaking people just to defend his friend who just a year earlier was trying to kill him. Unfortunately we find out that the Winter Soldier can be turned evil again simply by reciting a bunch of random words in Russian, one of which I think was toilet.

So we get a really awesome chase scene featuring the Winter Solider, Black Panther, Captain America, and Falcon. Cap and Falcon actually seem to accidentally help Black Panther catch the Winter Soldier. They also cause about fifteen car accidents because who cares about human life!? They all get detained but then things go haywire in a predictable fashion as the Winter Solider escapes (Thanks to Zemo) and Tony Stark continues to make shitty decisions and cry about more things (Wahhh Gwyneth Paltrow, wahhh my dad didn’t love me, wahh Captain America spilled coffee on my new suit). Cap and Falcon start piecing together a team, they lure Hawkeye out of retirement (I’m sure that took all of 20 seconds) and Ant-man who can turn gigantic now! Tony Stark meanwhile recruits Spider-man who is awesome even though he’s so young that Aunt May probably had to drive him to the fight in a station wagon.  The fight is so damn good, an airport is destroyed, lots of heroes are wounded, Cap and the Winter Solider escape and Ross calls Stark for the forty-seventh time to complain about something.

Superhero Registration Act: What Could Go Wrong?

Stark! *Incoherently Complains About Something*


The final act of the film contains another fantastic fight scene and some major plot twists that will make you go “Omg no, not him!”.  Overall it was the most enjoyable of all the Marvel movies so far and it should be counted as part the trilogy of films in which Tony Stark makes terrible decisions that ruin the lives of every other hero. The Superhero Registration Act is an awful idea, just imagine Ross and the government watching Thanos destroy Earth and being like “You know, I don’t think this situation quite warrants a call to the Avengers.” Awful idea! This film is the bomb though, and Spider-man is like 12 so he’s probably got like 20 years worth of movies in him provided Marvel doesn’t decide to reboot the character five more times between now and then. (They probably will)  You should go see it.  Coming Next: How do the X-Men stop Apocalypse?  By challenging him to a rap battle?

My Score: 10/10

Follow Me on Twitter: @JoePontillo


I approve!