Omg I'm tweeting!

Omg I’m tweeting!

 

Every list you find on the internet is a best of this or a best of that list.  No one ever talks about the negative so I’ve decided to change that.  On the surface, Twitter seems like a really great thing but if you actually use it on a regular basis you will realize that it’s a cesspool of trolls, weirdos, plagiarists, and psychotics.   These are the worst kinds of Tweeters in no particular order…

The #TeamFollowBack Tweeter

Most of these people are decent enough but their bizarre obsession with following everyone back is a cause for concern. It’s kind of like rewarding people just for existing. Nothing says “I’m unstable” like having 40,000 followers while also following 40,000 people.

The Follow Tons Of People For A While And Then Unfollow Most of Them When I Reach A Certain Amount Of Followers Tweeter

That’s a long one I know but so is their awful process. These people think they’re God’s gift to internet comedy but they don’t have the patience to let their follower count rise organically so they follow several thousand people and when they reach a number of followers that they deem appropriate they unfollow all but a few hundred select people.  Well guess what? Your account isn’t that funny, so bye!

The Follow You, Then Unfollow You, Then Follow You, Then Unfollow You Until You Follow Me Back Tweeter

This person wasn’t held enough as a child.  This is just another wacko trying to stockpile followers so people can read their shitty tweets.  And I’m sure seeing someone follow you then unfollow you four of five times in a matter of weeks really gets you excited to read what they have to say.  Again, unstable. Get off the internet.

The Does Nothing But Retweets Other Accounts Tweeter 

Another person who has lots of followers yet uses 90-95% of their tweets to retweet other twitter accounts. And not just 1-2 tweets, like dozens of them!  Supporting other people is cool but it gets to the point where you’ll just want to follow the person that they’re retweeting and unfollow them while also maybe blocking them to teach them a lesson.

The I Just Joined Twitter To Yell At People Tweeter

If you click on a tweet by a celebrity or athlete you will likely see an angry response from a twitter user whose avatar is an egg. This person only joined twitter to yell at people and spread their own hate and/or misery. Such a fulfilling existence that must be.  They’re typically following 80-90 people while only having about 3-5 followers of their own. When you look at their timeline it’s nothing but @’s at people. Delete you’re account and go outside please.

The I Only Respond To Someone’s Tweet When Something Is Wrong Tweeter

This person will follow you for months even years and never acknowledge your existence until one day you tweet something that isn’t entirely accurate.  At which time they will jump all over you and make you sorry that you didn’t research your tweet better.  For example: That joke is funny but that’s not the proper use of the word “Literally”.  Example 2: (In response to a joke about evolution) Actually humans didn’t evolve from monkeys.  Good to know I’m being followed by English majors and scientists.

The Manually Retweets Your Tweet Because They Think Their Tweet Is Funnier Tweeter

Ok, I’m guilty of doing this sometimes. But only if I genuinely think something I’m adding is hilarious. But alas there are many people out there who see a joke and rather then retweet it or favorite or just respond to it normally, decide to manually retweet it and write their own commentary on top of it which most of the time adds nothing to the joke. If you don’t have something funny or interesting to say, don’t say it.

The Automated Tweets Tweeter

This is something your mother would do by accident if she was on Twitter.  These people use a program or app to “clean up” their twitter account or keep track of their activity which seems like an incredibly pointless exercise. This leads to them posting a daily automated tweet which details their Twitter stats but guess what?  Nobody cares how many people unfollowed you or followed you, and nobody really cares how your week on Twitter was. Like at all.

The Parody Account Tweeter

There are thousands of parody accounts on Twitter and most of them have no real reason for existing. They’re either ran by people who want lots of followers cheaply or fear rejection.  Some of them are just confusing, like why the hell is there a Gary Busey account that’s not Gary Busey? Or a Bill Murray account that isn’t Bill Murray? Lord Voldemort? He’s a fictional character! A fake Mark Zuckerberg account? Ooo edgy! Just be yourself or get off the internet.

The Nothing I Say Is Real Tweeter (AKA: Troll)

These are the people who just like to tweet things that make other people angry whether they believe what they’re saying or not. Their opinions and their personas are almost always completely fabricated and change on a whim like a WWE wrestler.  You can’t take anything they say seriously and if you do then you should probably get off the internet because you’re too emotional for Twitter.

The Don’t Disagree With Me Or I’ll Block You And Talk Shit About You Tweeter

One of my personal favorites. Every once in a while you’ll respond to a tweet with the hopes of having an adult debate with someone but guess what? You’re wrong and they’re right and if you don’t admit that you’re wrong in 3 tweets or less then you will be aggressively blocked. Once you are blocked they will spend 2-3 tweets telling everyone how much they hate you and how you’re the worst tweeter ever.  Oh, the irony!

The I Have Lots Of Followers And  I’m Verified Because I’m Vine Famous Tweeter

No one is famous because of Vine. You don’t see Vine “stars” doing talk shows and talking about their totally cool six second videos. And there’s no reason to verify these people because no one is going to make a parody account of a Vine “star”. And what would they even do with that parody account? Post shitty Vines and ruin the “stars” reputation?  Even good Vines are still kind of shitty, so lets calm down.

The Joke Thief  Tweeter 

Steals jokes from other tweeters, gives no credit. Somehow gets tons of followers, eventually gets exposed. Not enough people care and they continue to be terrible unoriginal monsters who profit off the funniness of others.

The Person Who Thinks Their Jokes Are Being Stolen Tweeter

Constantly tweets to people saying “Hey that’s my joke!” when the joke has actually not been stolen it’s just that sometimes human beings have the same thought about a popular subject.  But still these people will insist that they came up with the joke first and no amount of evidence will convince them otherwise so you better delete your tweet or they will hound you for the rest of your Twitter existence.

 

 

If this responds to one of your tweets, just ignore it and it will go away.

If this responds to one of your tweets, just ignore it and it will go away.

 

Did I miss any? (Probably) Let me know: @JoePontillo

 

 

 

 

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