Look, I realize that I’m supposed to have a review on the last episode of Breaking Bad but I’m really not happy with the lack of a non-white dude perspective on last Tuesday’s draft. Let me use my Beeblish to English translator to explain what that last sentence means: Hasib has been really fucking lazy with this Breaking Bad review and he’s also not happy with how little he was mentioned because his ego needs a good stroking. So I’ve come to give the draft review a little bit of what the streets like to call “flava”. Yeah, that’s right. I’m hip to what the kids are talking about nowadays. Wait, what? Saying “I’m hip to what the kids are talking about” is what old people say? Fuck.
I’m going to start this off by grading team names so far:
Scoreboard Steve- This is the name of Scoreboard Steve repping the Scoreboardsteve.com blog. If this reads incredibly redundant and you are annoyed by it, you know how I feel. He either is too lazy to come up with a hilarious name, really wants to promote himself, or is too cool to come up with a fantasy football name with a corny pun in it. How’s the last point a bad thing? It’s not. It’s the only way I’m willing to give him a pass. Grade- D.
Megatrons- This is TSB’s own Jorel. First of all, if his name is really Jorel and not some pen name, I have to give his parents some props. Who the hell names their parents after Superman’s father? His team name was “Silky Squad!” before the draft which is pretty basic but there’s a beauty in simplicity. It’s a pretty gangster name and I’m a sucker for alliteration. Sue me. However, he recently changed it to Megatrons. Eh. Not a fan. I would’ve went with Smoking Megatronic but that’s just me. Grade- B.
The Arian Fosterhood- This is Karol from krowdsurfer.com. Considering the fact that I’m a proud brown man, I think it’s pretty safe to say that me and Karol are now blood enemies. Oh wait, I face you week 1? I’m going to treat you like Mike Lowery did to the rest of your homies in the first scene in Bad Boys II. I’m coming for that ass. Oh? You’re going to tell me it’s a pun? I got a pun for that ass. I’m fostering some ill will toward you right now. Grade- F.
Foster Child Please- This is Chris from the TSB fam. Now this is how you do an Arian Foster pun. This is how you do a team name in general. I’m a sucker for Chad Ocho Cinco quotes so this is an easy one for me. Grade- A.
TotalSportsblog- This is Earl from TSB. I loathe you so much right now. How are you going to commit the same fantasy faux pas as Scoreboard Steve? Since you’re my boss, I’m going to eviscerate you right now. Grade- F. The F is for you are Fucking up.
Show Me Your TDs- This is TSB’s own Krissy. This is genius. The significance isn’t lost on me, girrrrrrrrl. Grade- A.
I’ve Got Gronkitis- Sarah from MissESPN.blogspot.com came up with this beauty. I love this because I sell drugs legally. Grade- A.
Bionic Snowmen!- Jason, another TSB representative, created this one. I don’t know what this is in reference to but it sounds pretty damn cool. Fill me in on twitter or in the comments section, homie. Grade- B.
The Daily Stache- Right now, I’m pretty damn pissed off at Matt from The Daily Stache. From now on, if you suffer from Scoreboard Steve Syndrome, instant Fs will be awarded. Grade- F.
My Password is Taco- I think I’m in love with Steve from fanspeak.com. Don’t worry. It’s completely platonic. We can share a bro hug sometime. I’m sorry, y’all. I’m just a sucker for The League references. Grade- A.
Breaking Bag- Yours truly. TSB’s finest. I write the breaking bad reviews for this blog. One of my many nicknames (I have so many, I should probably be an honorary member of the Wu-tang Clan) is Bag which is why I named my tumblr The Brown Paper Bag. I gotta keep it somewhat humble. Keep in mind that my team name is subject to change a few times throughout the season. It’s just the way I roll. Grade- You fools should give me a grade.
Bacon Sports- Rob from Bacon Sports is on my shit list too. What’s up with Scoreboard Steve Syndrome running rampant throughout this league? Have some fantasy integrity, guys! Shit is not halal at all. Grade- F.
I’m going to steal Chris and Jorel’s pictures to make this easier for me.
Best Pick: Arian Foster by Foster Child Please.
Worst Pick: Calvin Johnson by Megatrons.
My Pick: Darren McFadden.
Ray Rice was the top player on my board so props to Scoreboard Steve for having the balls to take him over Shady and Foster. I don’t think Calvin should have gone so high. In a pure PPR, I can absolutely understand but since this is a half PPR, this is more of a reach than the toothbrush. 0.5 points per catch, homie. I have a hard time believing that Aaron Rodgers fell to 7. Great value for I’ve Got Gronkitis. I picked Darren McFadden. Actually, Skynet picked McFadden. I was still on my way home because Chris couldn’t move the draft back another 15 minutes. *Cough*bullshit*cough*. I would’ve taken McFadden anyways so no big deal.
Best Pick: Maurice Jones Drew by Megatrons
Worst Pick: Jordy Nelson by Bionic Snowmen!
My Pick: Jamaal Charles
Forte and Charles were the last two RBs on the board that I really liked and both of them went back to back with the first two picks of the 2nd round. Both of them are going to have TDs vultured from them but I knew that going in. I just want my yards and catches from them and anything else is gravy so I feel like me and Bacon Sports made out. Not literally. I got mad love for the gay community. Again, not literally. Shit, I’m digging myself a hole here. It’s just not me is all I’m trying to say. Love the MoJo pick with the 2nd to last pick. Do not get me wrong. I like Jordy Nelson but I feel like he could have been had a round or two later. I’m not a huge fan of Andre Johnson anymore either. He’s injury prone and has only scored double digit TDs in a season once in his career. I don’t hate the two TEs going here like Chris did. Both of them are just so much more superior to every other TE that it’s not even funny and it’s not even close. There are also less question marks around Graham and Gronk then the other TEs. Most importantly, it makes absolute sense mathematically. Just making a blanket statement like “You’re not supposed to take TEs that early” is not going to cut it with me. Just to put it in perspective, let me steal a stat from Mathew Berry. If you erased every TD from Gronk’s stat line last year, he still would’ve accumulated the second most points among TEs in fantasy football last year. If that doesn’t describe a player worthy of being taken early, then shoot me in the crotch and call me Cheddar Bob.
Best Pick: Ryan Mathews by Foster Child Please.
Worst Pick: San Francisco Defense by I’ve Got Gronkitis.
My Pick: Hakeem Nicks
It really hurts me to give the best pick of the round to Chris but Mathews should have gone a round earlier. He’s only going to miss a week or two and he’ll give you top 12 production the rest of the way in my opinion. It wasn’t my strategy to take 3 straight RBs but I was praying that he would fall to me. I love the Fred Jackson pick. Sure he’s 32 years old but it’s the Tiki Phenomenon. If you did not have a heavy workload as a RB early in your career, the chances of you playing at an older age is greater. The guy was killing before he got hurt last year. I personally think Aaron Hernandez is going to have an absolutely huge year this year but he probably could have been had a round later. Hey, if you really like someone, take him. I think everyone on my street heard me cackle when I saw the SF Defense being taken in the third round. WHY?!?!? DO YOU NOT WANT TO WIN?!?! Let me try to break this down for you. Sure, San Fran is the best defense on the board. However, defenses generally don’t garner enough points compared to other positions on a fantasy football team. Also, the difference between taking a #1 defense and, let’s say, the #8 defense is not statistically significant enough to warrant using a 3rd round pick on the best defense. I really like my Hakeem Nicks pick but his foot injury that he suffered early in the offseason puts a damper on my expectations. I still feel like he’s the best WR on the Giants and Cruz was picked a full round earlier. I’m kind of scared of Adrian Peterson so I was glad he was taken a couple picks before me. Players that have their ACL and MCL torn that late into the season usually need a full year of recovery before they can play and even then, need another year before they are back to normal. But Adrian Peterson is not normal. I just don’t want to be the one that has to take that risk.
Best Pick: Marshawn Lynch by My Password is Taco
Worst Pick: Sebastian Janikowski by Show Me Your TDs
My Pick: Percy Harvin
I’m kinda kicking myself for not taking Beast Mode (who should have gone a round or two earlier imo) but Percy Harvin was a damn good value and I had 2 RBs that I was happy with. Harvin has a chance to be a Welker-esque this year. Plus, the chance that he might also have a few carries is also enticing. Everyone has assumed that Turner would fall off a cliff last year but he’s still chugging along. I hope he falls off a cliff this year. Chris bragging hardcore after the draft ticked me off. Have you noticed? Love the Sproles and Bush picks considering this is a half PPR league. I’m scared of Dwayne Bowe. He’s the kind of guy that’ll give you 3-4 outstanding games and the rest will be duds. Those 3-4 great Bowe games have the potential to win you 3-4 weeks though. Krissy, how are you going to take a kicker? Look at my argument against picking a defense early and it’ll apply to kickers as well.
Best Pick: Dez Bryant by The Daily Stache
Worst Pick: Vincent Jackson by I’ve Got Gronkitis
My Pick: Willis McGahee
I really wanted Ben Jarvus Green Ellis to fall to me. He’s a pretty safe pick imo. Oh well, I got McGahee who should have some holes to run through with Peyton Manning behind center. I really didn’t dislike any picks this round but I decided to pick on Sarah for the Vincent Jackson pick because I feel like I’d rather have Dez and Stevie Johnson. Vincent Jackson can just as easily prove me wrong though. Antonio Gates can just as easily be as good as Gronk and Graham but the fact that he’s prone to injury scares me. Sure. he plays through the injuries but he’s not as effective. Really like the Brandon Lloyd pick with him being reunited with Josh McDaniels. The upside of Dez Bryant always tantalizes me.
Best Pick: Anyone that didn’t pick a defense.
Worst Pick: Houston Def by Show Me Your TDs
My Pick: Michael Vick
Vick was the apple of my eye going into the draft. A year ago, he was going in the 1st or 2nd round. I’ll take him the year after the hype fades. Sure, he’s prone to injury but the upside is immense. Most of the picks in this round were meh. They didn’t move me either way. Well, I take that back. The pick of Houston’s defense was “whaaaaaaat?!?!” Krissy, check out what I wrote about defenses for my Round 3 summary.
Best Pick: Reggie Wayne by Bacon Sports
Worst Pick: David Akers by I’ve Got Gronkitis
My Pick: Torrey Smith
Sarah, you are killing me with picking defenses and kickers. I can’t hate on The Daily Stache too much considering that this is about the place where an elite defense should probably go even though I still would never do it. I love Wayne here because I think Indy will be down often and because of that, they will throw a lot. Both Chris and Jorel take QBs to hook up with their TE and WR, respectively. Always a smart decision. Not a huge fan of the Jermaine Gresham pick. Went with Torrey Smith because the upside here was too much to pass up. Most of the reports out of Baltimore is talking about how ridiculous this kid is.
Best Pick: Denarius Moore by Show Me Your TDs
Worst Pick: Justin Blackmon by Foster Child Please
My Pick: CJ Spiller
I’m banking on Spiller being a poor man’s Darren Sproles. If Fred Jackson goes down with an injury, even better. Both San Diego WRs went in this round which begs the question: Who the hell knows who will come out looking good out of either of these two? They can both be decent, I guess. They both seem like Dwyane Bowes that I can get 4 rounds later. I love Denarius Moore. He was someone I was targeting as a sleeper WR. With the way the NFL has become a passing league, I’m not afraid of drafting rookie QBs or WRs anymore. However, if you’re a rookie WR, I just hope you have a decent QB throwing to you. Blackmon has David Blaine Gabbert throwing him the pill. I call him David Blaine Gabbert because Jacksonville is giving him first round money and they are going to wonder how their investment disappeared.
Best Pick: Kenny Britt by Total Sports Blog
Worst Pick: Anquan Boldin by My Password Is Taco
My Pick: David Wilson
Okay, I admit it. David Wilson makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Except when he fumbles. When he fumbles, Tom Coughlin won’t give him carries and I’m left feeling cold and alone. Don’t fumble, David Wilson. Kenny Britty is a huge lottery ticket. He’s only going to be suspended for one game and he has a chance to be a top 15 WR if he’s completely healthy. That’s how talented he is. Go ahead, guys. Keep taking defenses. See if I care. I like Rashad Jennings and Bet Tate this late. Kevin Smith is pretty damn good when he’s not in a hospital bed. I feel like I explained why I really like Luck and RGIII in my summary of the last round. Boldin is old and beat up like Tina Turner. Ughhh, I can’t believe I just used a domestic violence joke. Women of the world, you all have the right to bash me like Chris Brown. Shit.
Best Pick: Jason Witten by My Password Is Taco
Worst Pick: Davone Bess by Total Sports Blog
My Pick: Greg Olsen
This is the general point in a draft where I feel alright with cutting players if they don’t work out in 2-3 weeks so there are really no bad picks after this point. Witten is more of a steal in this round than Shaq ever was. Love the Gerhart pick. I don’t believe Adrian Peterson will be his normal self for another month or two so Bacon Sports will be ecstatic during that time span. I feel like Ingram should be better than what he’s given the Saints so far. Beanie Wells really isn’t that good imo. Eventually, Ryan Williams will become the starting tailback in ‘Zona. I would like Bess if anyone was the QB in Miami besides Tannehill. I have a personal hard on for Randy Moss but I’m not sure what he’ll give you in SF. LOL @ anyone taking a chance on Redskins RBs. They are the fantasy equivalent of a pregnancy test on the Maury show. You don’t ever really know what the results are going to be. I like Olsen here. He’s the only legit receiving option at TE that Carolina has and younger QBs love to throw to TEs.
Best Pick: Pierre Thomas by Scoreboard Steve
Worst Pick: Ben Roethlisberger by Foster Child Please
My Pick: Danny Amendola
Pierre Thomas is an undercover good pick here. I think he’s more effective than Ingram but the saints just made more of an investment in Ingram. The guy caught 50 balls and had 5.1 yards per carry last year. Sooner or later, the Saints will realize he’s better, right? I feel the same way about LeShoure as well. The guy has two injury prone RBs ahead of him on the Lions RB totem pole. Disliked both of the Steelers picks here. With how atrocious their O-line is, I don’t see any running room for Redman. Also the reason why I feel Roflzberger is either throwing 20 picks or missing 5-6 games. I’m a huge fan of Rodgers in that if Atlanta does throw more as anticipated, he can be another guy who is a poor man’s Sproles. I feel like Amendola can be a poor man’s Wes Welker. *Crosses fingers*.
Best Pick: Ryan Fitzpatrick by I’ve got Gronkitis
Worst Pick: Dallas Clark by Show Me Your TDs
My Pick: Carson Palmer
I really like Ryan Fitzpatrick. Maybe those rumors of him being hurt at mid-season could be false but I’ll believe them for now. If they turn out to be true, Gronkitis has herself a really good #2 QB. I’m actually kinda kicking myself for not drafting him but I like Oakland’s O-line better which is why I went Palmer. Scoreboard Steve has been on a roll with these late round picks. Jared Cook can turn out to be this year’s surprise TE tour de force. I feel like Dallas Clark was a byproduct of being in Peyton Manning’s offense. Plus he’s been incredibly injury prone. I do not believe.
Best Picks: Coby Fleener by My Password is Taco, Kendall Hunter by Bacon Sports, Kendall Wright by The Arian Fosterhood
My Picks: Austin Collie, Seattle DEF, Neil Rackers
These rounds is where defenses and kickers fly off the shelves. It’s like the day before Christmas Eve and rabid parents are looking for Tickle Me Elmos. Okay, not really because most of us realize that these are just kickers and defenses. So there aren’t really any bad picks in this round. I feel like a broken record. I already cut two of my last 3 picks so obviously I was not happy with my drafting here. I blame it on Chris. I can feel your subtle brown hate from here, homie. I’m not liking it one bit. I am extremely happy with Seattle’s defense falling to me. I think they have a chance to be a top 3 defense this year. I like Seattle as my ultra dark horse team this year. Call me crazy…just don’t call me maybe….because I abhor that song and anyone that tries to parody it. I was trying to figure out a way to get Kendall Wright on my roster but I had too many WRs with the same bye week as Wright. Frank Gore has been slowing down for a couple years now. This could be the year Kendall Hunter blows up as the 49ers prepare to send Gore to the glue factory. I love TEs that play for rookie or sophomore QBs. I especially love TEs that played with his rookie QB in college.
After doing a quick run through of everyone’s team, I have to agree that Chris’ team looks like it’s the front runner. However, I could give two diddly squats about who is the front runner at the beginning of the year. Arian Foster is already complaining about knee soreness so Chris is probably clubbing himself on the head with his keyboard for not handcuffing Foster with Ben Tate. Further proof that fantasy football isn’t won in the draft room but through roster management throughout the season. Watch out. I’m coming for all of your heads.