Crap. No more Game of Thrones for however long it takes for Season 4 to start. And they leave us with this episode? Couldn’t it have been more awesome/horrific like last week’s episode? You know like having pregnant people getting stabbed in the stomach multiple times and/or mothers watching their eldest son get killed and then getting their throat cut? Oh, so you want me to get started on talking about yesterday’s episode already?
Awwwwww, look at how cute Tyrion and Sansa look together! Even though Sansa is two Tyrions tall, they look absolutely adorable. They both were talking about how everyone makes fun of them and how they were going to seek vengeance on a Lord that walked by and laughed at them. Sansa nominated the idea of sheep shifting his bed, which is cutting a hole in someone’s bed, putting sheep shit in the hole, then redoing the bed and laughing about the hijinks afterwards. They are so getting along now. Maybe Sansa will sleep with him! Nope. Tyrion finds out at the next small council meeting that Robb, Big Momma Stark, and some of her relatives (as well as most of the Northern army) were slaughtered at the Red Wedding. During the meeting, Tyrion makes fun of Joffrey and then Joffrey has some rude things to say about Tywin. That’s when Tywin asks Cersei to put Joffrey to bed like a good, little boy. Oooooooooooooh, how emasculating. Tyrion tries to talk to Sansa but she’s already heard about the massacre and she don’t got time for that. Ughhhhhhhh! Now we’ll probably have to wait another whole season for the possibility of dwarf porn on HBO. Don’t judge me! If it’s done on HBO, it’s classy.
Meanwhile, we got a scene were Ygritte and Jon Snow are talking to each other while pausing during some sobbing. Some award winning acting done here. A lot of “I LUHV YEEEEEW JAHN SNOH” and “YOU KNAW NAHTHING JAHN SNOH” and then Ygritte acting like a woman scorned when Jon was like “Yeah, you’re a level 7 clinger right now so I’m going to go home” and firing some arrows at Jonny boy. Luckily, Jon’s horse knows the way back to Castle Black. What? You don’t believe that every horse came with Google Maps in Westeros? If they came with Apple Maps, they could have dragged this for awhile.
Khaleesi is chilling outside Yunkai waiting for the freed slaves to come out. They all come out of the gates of Yunkai and she’s like “Yeah, you’re all free. Do you.” They start calling her mother and Danny can’t take it. She’s welling up and she starts to walk out into the crowd. Jorah has a look of ”WTF are you doing? It doesn’t matter. I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU” while Calvin Klein model is posing like he’s trying to sell a bottle of Obsession. Meanwhile, I’m hypnotized by a bunch of dragons flying around because……well……dragons. Out of nowhere, you see Khaleesi crowd surfing and I can’t help but think to myself that this chick is sooooooo full of herself now. I mean, look at it like this. These slaves have been slaving away and doing all this work their whole lives. They have to be tired as hell, right? So as a person that just Abraham Lincoln’ed the shit out of these slaves, what would be the first thing you do? If your answer is “crowd surfing an ocean of slaves” then you are out of your goddamn mind. Go get these guys a meal or something, Danny.
We also find out that Lord Bolton’s bastard son, Ramsay, has been the one torturing Theon this whole time. It’s been a big year for Boltons. Michael Bolton was in a Lonely Island video dressed as a pirate and now Lord Bolton helps to execute the Red Wedding. Anyways, Bolton sends a package to Theon’s pops……literally. Theon’s pops does not care. Theon’s sister is not hearing that and decides to sack up. She gets ready to go all Pirates of the Caribbean and is ready to wage war on the Boltons.
Oh, guess what else happened! Bran and Sam crossed paths. Bran’s like “I’m not telling you who I am” but Sam was all like “Pffffffft, I know who you are.” Sam and Gillie both tell the story about what happened north of the wall and even hooks up Bran and his crew with some obsidian daggers. Bran’s squad is rolling with some heavy artillery now and they start heading toward the Wall. Sam and Gillie finally get to Castle Black where the Night’s Watch decide it’s time to tell everyone to stop messing around because WHITE WALKERS.
While all of this is happening, Melissandre and Stannis are telling Davos that they are most definitely sacrificing Gendry. Gendry is super peeved about it but first he’s got to read some of Stannis’ emails even though he just learned how to read. Oh, wait. What’s this? He got the message from the Night’s Watch? Well, first he’s gotta set Gendry free because that’s what a good person does….especially when that good person has a card up his sleeve. Stannis is scolding Davos and has already made the command to execute him when Davos whips out the white walker card. Stannis is like “Okay, this is pretty serious but I’m still going to kill you” when Melissandre pretty much says “Are you kidding me? We need this guy!” OMFG WHAT A TURN OF EVENTS! Ginger witch realizes Davos’ value! They all realize that the current war is pretty stupid in comparison to WHITE WALKERS.
Oh, guess what everyone? Jamie came back! Naturally, he goes to see his sister first. Look, Sis! No hand! I soooooo want Brienne and Jamie to have stump/Amazon sex right now. I think they’d make a cute couple.
And last but not least, let’s talk about Arya Stark. Sheesh, hate to be a Stark right now. They are all going to die, right? Anyways, the Hound tries to escape out of Walder Frey’s castle but not before Arya catches sight of the fact that Frey Army beheaded her eldest brother and stitched his dire wolf’s head to his torso. Yikes. I am not messing with Walder Frey…..ever. The Hound feels pretty bad about that too. He looks sympathetic. Anyways, so they are riding to areas unknown when they overhear a bunch of soldiers telling stories of what they did at the Red Wedding. Arya has heard enough. She tries to be all sweet and act like a homeless person and give one of the dudes money for food. She drops the coin, the guy drops to pick it up and that’s when Arya drops him. Several stabs to the neck. I’m not going to front. She had this look that reminded me of Chucky from Child’s Play for a second. The guy’s homies are trying to have his back but the Hound makes quick work of them. Awwwwwww, snap. Arya got her first kill and this was my last Game of Thrones recap.
What the hell are we going to have next season? Is Cersei going to still love her handless brother? Is Tyrion ever going to get some from Sansa? Is Bran going to keep doing some telepathic stuff until he meets the 3 eyed raven? Are the kingdoms going to unite to fight the WHITE WALKERS? When is Khaleesi going to actually cross the ocean and start flaming these fools? Hopefully, Season 4 will have more answers.