Soooooooo Kanye just premiered the video for Bound 2 on The Ellen Degeneres Show. Yeah, that’s right…the show that Ellen Degeneres hosts. I’ll wait till you’ve stopped laughing. Are you done? No? You’re still going? Okay. Are you done yet? Good.
Oh, we are live blogging this right now:
0:16 – So at the start of the video, I’m like “Is David Attenborough going to narate this?” and then I remember this is Kanye’s music video, not a Planet Earth doc, and that David Attenborough is not a part of DONDA because he’s not smart, cool, or creative enough to push the boundaries of society.
0:21 – What the? Where did that eagle come from? Wait, what is this feeling that is welling up in my chest? Is this……yep, it’s patriotism. ‘Merica, everyone. ‘Merica.
0:27 – Whoa! Stampeding stallions! Wait a second. Are they stampeding on clouds? Are these flying horses?! Kanye is a genius. He found flying horses.
0:39 – Now there are brown horses and one solitary white horse racing around the Grand Canyon area, I think?
0:47 – OH I GET IT. Eagles, horses, and the rest of nature are not bound by the limitations that humans place on each other! Get it? So artsy. So creative. Just kidding. IDGAF about this crap. By the way, Kanye. Eagles and horses are bound by the limitations that humans place on them because we decide not to erect buildings and build houses in the Grand Canyon, okay? Also, we should get rid of horses in Central Park and people that actually get horse carriage rides in the city should be shot. That horse shit smells awful and the whole idea of being pulled along in a carriage in the city is cheesy. Also, if there are hot chicks in PETA that are reading this, that’s just cruel as hell to horses.
0:52 – THERE’S KANYE! I can’t believe Kanye allowed there to be 50 seconds in a video without there being any Kanye appearances.
0:57 – He’s on a stationary motorcycle. So I can safely assume that everything behind him is green screen. So were the horses CGI? I hope so. I WANT TO KNOW THAT NO HORSES DIED IN THE MAKING OF THIS VIDEO, KANYE!
0:59 – Kim Kardashian chilling on a bike with her boots on. Meh. And Kanye is still pretending to ride a motorcycle. Kanye’s rich now. He has people to chauffeur him around in motorcycles.
1:07 – HOLD THE EFF UP. IS KIM NAKED?!?! ARE THOSE BOOBS?!?! I MEAN, OF COURSE THEY ARE BOOBS BUT ARE THOSE BOOBS THAT ARE UNINHIBITED BY CLOTHES AND ARE UNBOUND BY THE SOCIAL STRUCTURES THAT HUMANS HAVE PLACED ON THEM?
1:21 – Suddenly, I don’t notice nature or animals anymore. Also, I’m waiting for Kanye to stop appearing in this video so I can find out whether or not Kim is naked. This is my life goal for the next 4 minutes of this video.
1:25 – Some face shots of Kim with the wind blowing her hair every which way. So unbound. So art.
1:42 – Okay, the great mystery has been solved. She’s on the back of Kanye’s bike while Kanye is on there and it looks like she’s wearing a shirt. Nothing to see here, guys.
1:52 – Lots of rap movements from Kanye in this video. I kinda wish I was watching “Planet Earth” now. Also, I just noticed that Kanye is wearing a plaid shirt over another plaid shirt. I’m going to start doing that now because JUST KEEDING THAT IS JUST RIDICULOUS!
1:59 – Is Kanye wearing an animal fur vest? ANIMALS ARE BOUND TO FASHION
2:00 – Kanye is rubbing his head because he’s hoping a genie will pop out that will grant him the wish of this double plaid shirt wearing statement that he tried to make never happened. It happened, ‘Ye. And you have to deal with the consequences.
2:04 – Kim and Kanye are apparently re-enacting a scene from “Twilight” here. Makes sense because this is all suspect.
2:11 – WAIT A MINUTE IS KIM NAKED AGAIN?!?! Oh, Kanye just kissed the top of Kim’s boob which makes sense because that’s something that I would do.
2:18 – Kim’s like “Sike, we aren’t kissing. And our arms are strategically placed here so you can’t see my boobs. Buuuuuuuuut if you must know…..there’s a sex tape from a few years back where you can totally see my boobs and watch me do other things to some dude that’s not Kanye so download that instead of watching this video.” SOLD.
2:30 – You should be able to see boob here because of the direction the light is coming from and where Kanye is so using science, we can figure out that the shadow that is covering her boob right now during this part of the video is clearly CGI. The message in this scene is that Kim can only be bound by CGI as regulated by the FCC.
2:42 – Okay, this part is just unfair. There is no reason for there to be shadows here.
2:48 – ‘Ye clearly doesn’t have his eyes on the road. This is reckless. OH WAIT HES NOT REALLY RIDING A MOTORCYCLE!
3:33 – Does Yeezus expect us to believe he has a flying motorcycle?
4:00 – Why am I still watching this?
4:28 – There’s a shot of an Arizona licence plate that says BOUND 2 on it. So art. So creative.
4:29 – The video is over and there is Kanye with Ellen. I can’t believe I watched that entire thing. That is 4 minutes of my life that I will never get back. That used to be one of my favorite songs on the album but I have to knock it down a couple pegs. Also, there were no boobs so I’m going to patiently wait for the BET uncut version of this video to come out.